When Past Trauma Breaks Marriage and Intimacy Story

I still remember the day I was forced to have sex. I was 18 and in love with a man who promised me the world. He treated me like I was everything to him until that day changed everything.

I was visiting him in his room for the third time. My previous visits had been uneventful, and I trusted him not to hurt me. But that day, he was different.

He attacked me with a ferocity I couldn't comprehend. I fought back with all my strength, but he overpowered me and took what he wanted. The pain was unlike anything I had ever felt. I cried and begged him to stop, hitting his chest in desperation, but he wouldn’t listen. He got his way, and I was left with the worst pain imaginable.

Afterward, all sweaty and gasping for breath, he apologized, but I was in so much agony that I couldn’t respond. I struggled to my feet, and when the pain eased slightly, I left and went home. I never saw him again. He tried to convince me to reconsider, but I couldn’t. I moved on.

Years later, I fell for another guy—handsome and well-mannered. But I couldn’t trust him not to hurt me. No matter how hard he tried, I never visited his home and resisted every attempt to be alone with him.

He couldn’t handle my “drama,” as he called it, and eventually left. I wanted him to stay and promised to change, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. The fear of experiencing that pain again was too overwhelming.

Then Richie, the man who is now my husband, came into my life. He promised marriage, and though I was hesitant at first, he gradually earned my trust. I shared my traumatic experience with him, and he understood my fears, trying to help me overcome them.

We didn’t have sex until after we got married.

People rave about their honeymoons, but mine was a nightmare. That night, he practically had to fight me to get intimate. I clenched my muscles tightly, and at one point, it felt like my abdomen was being torn apart. The pain was excruciating.

He wanted to try again, but I threatened to scream, and he stopped. During our three days at the hotel, we only had sex that once.

I love being married; everything is wonderful except for our intimate life. One night, after a fight over sex, I made a foolish remark, saying, “If you want, go find sex with other women and leave me alone.” I didn’t mean it, but I felt desperate to free myself.

I consulted a gynecologist, who found nothing physically wrong with me. We went through counseling, where the counselor explained that my painful past had created a psychological resistance to sex. He suggested that what I felt might not even be physical pain but rather my mind replaying past trauma.

However, the pain I experience during sex is very real and feels like hell in my lower abdomen.

My husband began to withdraw. I could sense his frustration in his actions. He started coming home late, stopped communicating with me, and would travel without informing me.

One day, after returning from visiting his parents, he said, “You won’t have sex with me, so how do we start making babies?” This made me think. I love children and want three of them, which means a lot of sex, but how could that happen?

I began doing exercises that were supposed to help me open up and enjoy sex. One night, I decided to test if my efforts had paid off and asked for intimacy. He was surprised, as it was the first time I had explicitly requested it. That night was agonizing, but I endured the pain until the end.

A year into our marriage, I can count the number of times we’ve had sex on one hand. Sometimes, I worry that my husband might be having an affair and could bring home children from another woman. This fear haunts me. He often seems lost in thought and spends late nights chatting on his phone.

I want to save my marriage and do everything I can to keep my husband, but it’s challenging. I don’t want to keep blaming the man who assaulted me when I was young, but I curse him every time I remember that day. He took something from me that I can never regain, no matter how hard I try. I hope karma catches up with him.

Currently, I’m taking some herbal remedies that a good friend recommended. She claimed they worked wonders for her and would solve my issues. I want to believe it will help because I need healing, and I need it fast.

—Ijeoma  
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