Why Men Call Women Too Clingy In Love

When Ebo proposed to me, I told him to give me some space. He replied, “How can I leave you alone when I love you this much?” I asked, “How much is this much?” He said, “There’s no measure. All I know is I love you too much to let you go.” He was just a boy in love, or perhaps a boy who thought he had found something to cherish. The truth was, we didn’t know each other well, so I gave him the classic line: “Give me some time to think about it.”

Days turned into weeks, and weeks into months. He continued to pursue me relentlessly. I told him, “You still don’t know me well enough. Let’s take our time.” He thought I was just playing hard to get or trying to score some “I’m-not-cheap” points. But that wasn’t it; I was simply assessing his commitment and the depth of his love.

He asked, “What is it about you that I don’t know? We’ve been seeing each other for months, so what is it?” 

Here’s what he didn’t know…

I was just twenty-two when I had my first boyfriend. He was the one who took my innocence. I was so naive, like fresh leaves by the river, when he held my face in his hands and kissed me. I found it awful. I wiped my lips repeatedly with my handkerchief and spat around uncontrollably. He laughed and asked, “Haven’t you been kissed before?” I replied innocently, “I’ve seen people do it, but this is my first.” He asked again, “You don’t like it?” I said, “Why do you have to spit in my mouth?”

It seemed that boy had cast a spell on me. I didn’t know much, but I was willing to do whatever he wanted. I kissed him many times until I got used to it, and one day, unexpectedly, he took my virginity too. It hurt, but I wasn’t angry. I felt happy when he told me afterward that we would be together forever; “You get to live forever with the one who takes your virginity,” he said. I believed him and thought we were destined for eternity.

I wanted to see him every day and be wherever he was. I was with him at church, and as soon as he returned from work, I’d be at his house. On weekends, I stayed over until late. I followed him everywhere. Eventually, he started to feel overwhelmed and complained, “You don’t have to be with me all the time just because we’re in love. Make friends, live your life, and give me some space.” I told him, “I don’t need friends if I have you; the only place I want to be is where you are.”

That was the first time I heard the term “clingy.”

“You’re too clingy, Monica. Please give me some space!” he shouted. “Clingy? What does that mean?” He replied, “The only thing that can cling to me is my shirt, not you. Just give me some space.”

He was getting angry, and I was scared of losing him, so I tried to respect his space. He wouldn’t call me when I wasn’t with him and spent time with other girls. He needed space only to fill it with others. I wasn’t going to sit back and watch him replace me, so I jumped back into his life to reclaim my place.

When he decided to leave me, I asked why, and he said, “You’re too clingy, and it’s suffocating. I know you love me, and I love you too, but you don’t need to attach your whole being to mine. It doesn’t work that way.” “So you’re leaving me because I love you too much?” “No, that’s not it. I just can’t deal with someone who’s always in my face.”

We tried several times to fix things, but his mind was made up. I was too clingy, and clingy girls don’t deserve equal love, so he ended the relationship. That was my first heartbreak, and it hurt deeply. I took time to discover who I really was and to understand my needs in love and relationships.

I’m intense. I love with everything I have, so I can’t give space when my heart is involved. I told myself, “The next guy has to know this before he gets involved with me. He should be someone willing to share his space because I’ll be all over him.”

That’s what Ebo didn’t know about me, and there was no way to convey it unless I was involved with him. It wasn’t enough to tell him I’d be clingy; a boy in love or infatuated would agree to it until he was actually with me, then he’d start making exceptions.

It happened with Eric and Felix too.

They claimed they didn’t mind a clingy woman. Eric said, “That’s how I want my woman to be. I want her with me through everything. I’d like to show her off and go everywhere with her.” He only said that to win me over. When it came down to it, he couldn’t handle it and walked away. Felix had issues with my calls, saying I called him too often. That was a lie. I called in the morning, afternoon, and evening because he wouldn’t call if I didn’t. He felt micromanaged and left too.

Now, after three years of being single, I found myself face to face with another man who was putting on the best performance of his life to win my heart. “Ebo, I’m clingy. Ebo, when I say yes to you, I’ll be all over you. Ebo, I’ll invade your space when we become lovers. It’s not intentional; it’s just who I am. I love too much, and it consumes me. You might not be able to handle me because I’m too intense.”

He looked into my eyes and said, “Just try me. Give me a chance and see who’ll be clingy.”

It took me a whole year to say yes to him. In my mind, if a guy pursues you for a year, he’s worth the chance. I said yes, hoping this would work and praying for it to succeed.

One month later, everything was sweet and rosy. He was being the man I wanted. Three months in, we were still in the honeymoon phase. He called me every morning, afternoon, and evening. When he said goodnight, it truly felt like a good night. I didn’t have to say a word; I’d just put my phone down and sleep.

At six months, we were still thriving. I stopped counting the days and began to believe that there were men built to support clingy people like me. A year and a half later, the cracks began to show. He stopped calling as often and wouldn’t pick up my calls either. He made excuses for everything; I prepared myself for the worst, and it came sooner than I expected. He didn’t complain about my clinginess because he couldn’t; he chose to give me the silent treatment.

He would pick up the phone and remain quiet until I had said everything I needed to say. He’d respond with a simple “Okay,” and that was it. If I asked what was wrong, he’d say, “Nothing is wrong.” Nothing is more soul-crushing than the silence of someone you love. I read between the lines. One day, I stopped calling, and for weeks, he didn’t reach out. I knew we were done, but I wanted to understand why. When I asked, he said, “Nothing is wrong.”

Indeed.

A few months later, a friend told me she had discussed my breakup with Ebo and asked him why it didn’t work out. He said, “That girl is too clingy. She can’t live her life without attaching herself to me. It got scary and intimidating.”

Clingy…

That word again. He knew I could be clingy from the start and claimed he was ready for it, so why would he run from something he was prepared for? “Clingy” is just a term that carries negative connotations about how I love wholeheartedly. I’m not clingy; I love deeply and give my all in relationships. But tell me, is that a crime?

—Monica,
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