When I Stopped Being Joshua And Became Myself

There was something about Abena that made me believe she was the one. Even now, if you were to ask me what that something was, I couldn't tell you. My friend questioned me, “Is it her beauty?” I replied, “No.” “Is it the way she walks?” “No.” “Maybe it’s how she talks to you. She’s respectful.” “Nope, that’s not it.” “Or is it because she’s a nurse?” “Not really.” Finally, my friend concluded, “My brother, it’s love that’s got you!”

Was it love?

It could have been love or something deeper. I’m not sure.

I’ve had several girlfriends, and they all played hard to get at the beginning of our relationships. Each one kept me waiting for a while before accepting my proposal. It took a whole year of proving myself before Ama finally agreed to be with me. That relationship didn’t even last a year. When I discovered she was seeing another guy, I confronted her, “You made me waste a whole year of my life just to compete with someone else?”

I ended that relationship, but I walked away with the belief that women always play hard to get.

So when I proposed to Abena and she said yes almost instantly, I was taken aback. I asked her, “Don’t you need time to think it over and see if I’m worth your love?” She replied, “I don’t need to think. You look like Joshua. That makes it easier for me to say yes, hoping this time it will work out.”

“Who is Joshua?”

She described Joshua as the only man she had ever truly loved. He was her first boyfriend and the one she lost her virginity to. She said, “Joshua was perfect; he seemed like someone God created just for me. He checked all the boxes, and loving him was the easiest thing I’ve ever done.”

If Joshua was so perfect, then why didn’t their relationship work out? If you find the one you love and everything is perfect, you stay together and enjoy that love, so why didn’t such a perfect love lead to marriage?

She explained, “Joshua wasn’t the issue; his family was. From the start, they made it clear they wouldn’t allow us to be together. His mother disliked my tribe, and his father had someone else in mind for him. When it was time for Joshua to find a wife, his mother rejected me because of my background, and his father introduced him to his friend’s daughter to marry.”

That happened three years before I met her. Her story made me feel sorry for her. So maybe it was love, mixed with a bit of pity, that made me so infatuated with her. I wanted to be her missing Joshua. I was desperate to prove that I could be everything Joshua was and that’s where our problems began.

She wanted Joshua. She said I resembled him. In my mind, I felt compelled to prove that I could indeed be her Joshua. The problem was, I didn’t know who Joshua was, so in my attempts to emulate him, I lost sight of myself. Before I did anything, I would ask myself, “What would Joshua do?” and then I would act accordingly.

That’s how love is supposed to be, right? You sacrifice yourself to please the one you love, isn’t it? But at some point, I was suffering. I could see she was happy, but deep down, I wasn’t. I was losing myself. I was hurting but lacked the courage to express my pain because, in my mind, Joshua wouldn’t do that. I decided to change my approach. Instead of trying to be Joshua, I would focus on what was best for both of us.

It was no longer about what Joshua would do; it was about what was best for me and her. I aimed to make us happy rather than constantly measuring myself against Joshua.

She began to complain. “Do you realize you’ve changed? Lately, you don’t consider my feelings; it’s all about you.” I would ask, “Is there something you think I could improve?” She would start, “When I was with Joshua…”

Everything she wanted had Joshua attached to it. If it was a kiss, she’d say, “Joshua did it this way, and it was amazing.” Even in bed, she wanted it the way Joshua did. I was willing to learn and do what pleased her, but the constant references to Joshua began to irritate me.

One night, we went to the movies to celebrate her new job. I thought we could enjoy a nice dinner and talk, but she chose the cinema instead. I’m not a movie person, but I went along. Love makes you do things. As soon as we sat down, she said, “I remember the last time I was here with Joshua…” My mind flipped, and I didn’t even hear what she said next.

May was my birthday. She called to ask about my plans. I told her, “I don’t have any plans; I’ll be home after work.” She suggested we do something small, maybe dinner together. So after work, we met at a small restaurant.

As soon as we sat down, she handed me a gift and said, “Happy birthday.” I opened it to find a beautiful wristwatch. I exclaimed, “Wow, this is beautiful.” She smiled and said, “That’s the kind of gift Joshua would give. He loves watches!”

That was it. I couldn’t sit there and listen to more lectures about Joshua. It was time to tell her how frustrating it was to hear about him all the time.

I might have gone too far. I might have said something out of frustration, something hurtful. She got angry and left the restaurant, cutting our night short.

After a while, when tempers cooled, I asked, “What would it take for you to stop talking about Joshua?” She replied, “His name comes up because of what we had together. Are you jealous that I mention him?”

“No, I’m not jealous,” I said. “It just makes me feel inadequate. We’ve been together for almost a year, and the fact that you still bring him up makes me feel like I’m not enough. That hurts.”

She was silent for a moment. I asked, “If Joshua came back today and asked you to be his girlfriend, would you say yes?” She replied, “He’s not coming back.” I pressed, “Let’s say he does come back today and asks you out. Would you say yes?”

She stood there, seemingly unsure of how to answer. After a moment, she said, “I would say no. The love we had wouldn’t lead anywhere.”

That was all I needed to hear. I was relieved by her response. It gave me the confidence to ask for a chance to build our relationship in a way that suited us. I told her, “I’m glad you recognize he’s part of your past. Move on. Stop talking about him and dreaming about your past with him. Give me a chance as I am, not because I resemble Joshua.”

When the truth emerges in a relationship, no matter how stubborn we are, we listen. It might resist the truth, but the truth has a way of taking over our senses. She recognized the truth in what I said and gradually began to adjust to our relationship. It didn’t change overnight, but things improved, and our lives got better.

I once said I didn’t know why I loved her, but during our counseling session, when the pastor asked me the same question, I answered, “I love her because she’s the only one I see spending the rest of my life with.”

It wasn’t a perfect answer, but it was close. Here we are today, free from the memories of Joshua, creating our own memories together—our wedding day, our first child, and even the day we argued over food. No more Joshua.

—Ekow,  
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