When My Husband Asked Me to Sleep With Other Men

I was going through a tough time when James entered my life. I had just ended a four-year relationship with a guy who abruptly decided he was done.  

James had just returned from the United States, where he had lived for 15 years, at the request of his parents. He told me he had a vision for his future and saw me as part of it.  

I was drawn to him. He was direct and seemed to have a clear sense of what he wanted. He told me, “I don’t know what tomorrow holds, but if we’re not married in two years, we won’t waste any more time.” A little over two years later, we tied the knot.  

During our courtship, I noticed something that deepened my affection for him: he never pressured me for sex. He was content just being with me. I spent many nights at his place, and not once did he make a move. It wasn’t until about a year later that we finally had sex, and even that was under unusual circumstances.  

I thought perhaps he was waiting until marriage.  

On our honeymoon, I expected something extraordinary. I was looking forward to a night where all our pent-up feelings would culminate. But it didn’t happen!  

As soon as we entered the room, he washed up first, and by the time I returned from the bathroom, he was already snoring. I was incredibly disappointed. We spent the entire week without any intimacy. I practically had to initiate things before he finally responded.  

When we did, it was amazing! To this day, it remains the best sex I’ve ever experienced—not because it was technically the best, but because I had waited so long for it. When it finally happened, it felt liberating. I wished it would never end, but it did, and it took weeks before we were intimate again.  

Eventually, I knew we needed to address the issue. I asked him, “James, is there something about me that you don’t like?” He replied no. I pressed further, “Am I not sexually attractive to you?” He laughed and asked, “Why would you think that?” I explained, “I just want to understand what’s going on. We’ve been married for nearly eight months, and we’ve only had sex a few times, and I had to beg for it.”  

He smiled awkwardly and said, “I married you because I was attracted to you and I’ve loved you since. If it’s sex you want, I’ll try harder.”  

I was relieved that we could discuss our first issue and find a resolution. That night, we were intimate again. A few days later, we were intimate once more, and he initiated it most of the time. Life felt fun again. But after a few weeks, things reverted to how they were before no sex!  

Intimacy became infrequent, and I often had to ask for it or even fight for it. One night, after failing to get him to be intimate, I brought the topic up again. I was honest and direct, but he calmly responded…  

“I’m doing my best, but I can’t keep up with your constant demands. I can’t give it to you whenever you want. Maybe you should lower your expectations.” I told him I didn’t have expectations; I just believed that going too long without sex harms intimacy, and I wanted more from him.  

Then he said, “I’m sorry I can’t satisfy you, but if you need it that much, I wouldn’t mind if you found it with someone else. Honestly, I wouldn’t mind at all. It would make you happy and take the pressure off me. We’d both be happy.”  

I was taken aback, to say the least. I didn’t know how to respond. I wanted to think he said it just to get me off his back, but the calmness in his voice suggested he meant it. So I asked, “Are you serious? How could you suggest that?”  

He reiterated, “I’m serious. I want you to be happy. Just don’t get pregnant, and don’t bring him home to do it in front of me, that’s all.”  

I turned away, pulled the blanket over my head, and went to sleep. I didn’t just sleep; I cried a little before drifting off.  

Months passed without any intimacy. He didn’t ask for it, and I didn’t push for it either. I was too afraid. I didn’t want him to repeat what he had said last time.  

One morning, as I brushed my teeth in the bathroom, he stood behind me and said, “Hmm, it’s been a while. Have you started seeing someone?” I didn’t respond. He repeated the question and added, “There’s no need to hide it from me. We’re a couple; we can talk about anything.”  

Again, I didn’t answer. I continued brushing my teeth until he left me alone. We live together, and I always sleep naked next to him, yet he does nothing not even a simple touch. According to him, he’s already given me the solution to seek intimacy elsewhere if I need it that much.  

He provides for me, and I’m comfortable with him, but going months without sex with my husband is simply unacceptable. It’s not that he’s impotent or doesn’t know how to make love; he simply doesn’t want it.  

I’m human. Sex is a need, especially in marriage. I’m not getting it from where I should, and I feel entitled to seek satisfaction elsewhere. Every day, I’m tempted to find a man just for my sexual needs, but it doesn’t seem worth it.  

If I find someone to fulfill my intimate needs, I might as well stay with him. So why not leave my husband and find someone who can be a complete partner?  

I’m contemplating… soon I’ll make a decision, and I know what the final choice will be.  

-Ifeoma
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