When Love Left and Divorce Brought Relief

On our eldest son's birthday, she posted a heartfelt birthday message on her status. If you didn’t know her, you might assume she was a single mother based on her words. She expressed her feelings during pregnancy and the challenges she faced to bring him into the world, concluding with, “But looking at the wonderful son I have now, I have no regrets about what I went through. I’ve even forgotten the pain, and if given the chance, I would do it all over again because I know the kind of child I would bring into this world.”

I read her status multiple times, even double-checking her number to confirm it was really her. She was right there in the house with me, but I chose to respond via WhatsApp. I wrote, “I’m glad you remember all the love and joy he brought the day he was born, but what happened? Why don’t you look at him anymore? He misses your affection, so please pay attention to him.” She read my message but didn’t reply.

One evening, she came home from work, went straight to the bathroom, and then to the bedroom to sleep. I followed her and said, “Cindy, do you realize what’s happening to our marriage? Do you see it and not care, or are you oblivious?” She replied, “As far as I’m concerned, everything is fine. If you have problems, you can share them with me.” I said, “Great…” and began listing all the issues in our marriage. I reminded her of our dreams before we got married and how far we had strayed from them.

She didn’t interrupt. She let me vent for over fifteen minutes before saying, “If you wanted a woman who would be a doormat, you shouldn’t have married me. You know I like to do things independently without relying on a man. You were aware of my independent nature before we even dated. So because I’m not letting you have your way, you’re having problems, right? Food is food, regardless of who cooks it. If a man cooks, it’s still food.”

From the start of her speech to the end, I was left speechless. I couldn’t believe she was the same woman I had fallen in love with. I asked her, “What about the kids and how you’ve neglected them? Don’t you feel guilty? They see you and don’t want to come to you, and that doesn’t scare you?” She replied, “You’re the one filling their heads with ideas. They’re kids, so they’ll believe you. One day, they’ll grow up and see things for what they are. Remember, I’m the one paying their school fees, but I don’t complain.”

She had only paid their fees once, yet she used it as if it were everything a mother should provide. Living with a nagging wife is tough, but I had come to believe that the hardest thing for a man is to become the nagger. I was expressing my feelings, but she ignored me. I reached out to her father, but he couldn’t help because he wasn’t in a good relationship with her either. He told me, “She’s taken after her mother. She’s always been like this, so I’m not surprised. If you’re tired of her, bring her home and enjoy your freedom. She won’t change. Her mother only softened when she got older.”

I couldn’t talk to her mother either. Just as her father said, I didn’t trust her mother to handle the situation well because she had always supported her daughter in everything since we got married.

Things worsened during the lockdown. I was hopeful, thinking it was a chance for us to mend our broken relationship, so by the time we emerged, we would have a solid foundation for a happy marriage. I stocked up on food, and she started cooking for us. However, I soon realized she was cooking more for herself than for the family. After preparing meals, she would serve herself, sit in front of the TV, and change channels while eating. I had to go to the kitchen to get my own food and some for the kids. She hardly spoke to me and was glued to her phone, laughing and talking to herself. In the evenings, she would dress up, go out, and jog. I jokingly said, “We’re all getting fat, so we’ll join you tomorrow.” She replied, “I didn’t wait for you to join me, so you can do your own thing.”

One day, when she went out for a jog, I called her phone. Call waiting. The next time she went out, I called again. Call waiting. On the third attempt, she snapped, “Why do you call me right after I leave the house? Can’t you say what you want when I’m home?” I concluded, “It’s not jogging that drives her out; she goes out to have time and space to talk on the phone.”

One day, she cooked only for herself and the kids, leaving me out. The next day, I locked the kitchen. She asked for the keys, and I told her to go out and get her own food. This led to a confrontation:

“Give me the keys.”

“I won’t give you the keys.”

“What kind of silly joke is this?”

“I’m not joking. You can’t cook what I bought and leave me out. Go get your own.”

“Petty man. I don’t know why I’m still in this miserable marriage with you.”

“Then leave. Just leave so I know I’m alone. I’m giving you a week. If you don’t do anything, you’ll hear from me.”

“What can you do?”

Her question struck me deeply. What could I do? It was clear she knew I felt powerless, which is why she acted the way she did.

A week later, as I expected, she did nothing. I thought it was due to the lockdown. Two weeks after the lockdown, I told her, “Clearly, you’re not a woman of your word. Time has proven that to me. I’ll show you how to say things and mean them enough to act on them.”

The day I served her the divorce papers, I anticipated a certain reaction, but instead, she smiled and said, “Is that all you can do? What else? Don’t worry, I’ll give you just that. I’m tired of your nagging and complaints. Do you think divorce will take my happiness away?” I thought, “Wow, I’ve been married to myself all this time.” But something made me feel relieved. Happier, in fact. The misery I had endured would finally come to an end.

When my parents learned about the divorce, they called us home. That day, we sat in front of my parents’ portrait while they offered their advice. My mind was focused on the portrait and what it represented to me. After they finished speaking, they asked her, “Would you consider giving the marriage another chance?” She replied, “I’m not the one seeking the divorce, and I don’t know why he initiated it. I can’t predict how he’ll treat me if I agree to continue. For my peace of mind and security, I won’t continue.” My parents gave us a month to think it over, but she said, “There’s nothing to think about. He made his decision, and I’ve made mine. What more is there?”

The only remaining issue before we finalize the divorce is how to manage the kids afterward. She wants to keep them, which I wouldn’t mind if I didn’t know how she had treated them over the years. She’s their mother, but I don’t feel safe leaving five kids in her care. I don’t want to split them up either; I want them all. They’ll be safer with me than with her. Once that’s settled, we can begin our lives anew without each other.

–Ken

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