How Honest Communication Strengthened A New Marriage

I initially thought it was a minor issue, but then I was reminded that even a small hole can sink a ship. Whenever he brought it up, I dismissed it as unimportant until one day we had an argument, and he became resentful. When I inquired about the problem, he replied, “Nothing.” I wasn’t naive; I understood that this “nothing” was, in fact, something significant. I had been there myself, saying “Nothing” while feeling turmoil inside.

Here’s what transpired…

We dated for a year and a half before tying the knot. We had agreed on a no-sex-before-marriage policy, and we stuck to it. We went through our entire relationship without any physical intimacy—not even a kiss. So, on our wedding night, he was eager, while I felt anxious, shy, and confused. I couldn’t shake the thought: “What if he didn’t find me attractive after waiting all this time?”

As he moved closer, I pointed to the light. He asked, “What?” I replied, “Could you please turn off the light?” He quickly jumped out of bed to switch it off. I thought we had a good time; I certainly enjoyed it, and his demeanor afterward didn’t suggest dissatisfaction.

Every night when he tried to get closer, I would signal him to turn off the light. Eventually, he asked, “What’s with you and the light?” I told him, “Nothing, I just feel more comfortable when it’s off.” He didn’t complain, but I found myself saying, “Whenever you want us to be intimate, please turn off the light.” He pressed further, this time with a hint of frustration, “Why do you always want it off?” I explained, “Afterward, you fall asleep quickly, and I’m too tired to get up. It’s easier if it’s off so no one has to get up to turn it off.”

What is it about me and the light?

Let me explain. Two reasons…

As a child, I suffered severe burns on my right thigh, leaving a deep scar that never faded. It’s very noticeable and makes me uncomfortable. Additionally, a measles outbreak left dark spots on my skin in intimate areas. These experiences made me self-conscious about my body.

When I shared this with a friend, she said, “He’s your husband. Can you hide that from him forever?” True, I can’t hide it indefinitely, but I prefer to reveal it gradually—not all at once, and certainly not during intimacy.

One night, tensions escalated. He insisted, “The light stays on.” I countered, “The light goes off.”

“The light stays on!”

“The light goes off!”

“The light stays on!”

“The light goes off!”

For the first time, I got out of bed and turned off the light. He grabbed his pillow, stripped the bed, and went to sleep in the hallway. The light was off, but I was alone. I took my pillow and joined him in the hall. We both ended up sleeping there that night. When I woke up at dawn, he had returned to the bedroom.

He tried to avoid me all day, but I wasn’t going to let that happen. It was my turn to ask him the same question he had been asking me: “What is it about you and the light?” He snapped back, “Are you the one paying the electricity bill to decide when it goes off and on?” He was clearly upset, but I didn’t want to engage in that argument. I asked, “Isn’t it the same whether the light is on or off?”

“If it’s the same, then why do you want it off?” he challenged. That question caught me off guard, but it opened the door for us to have a meaningful conversation.

I explained about my scar and how it made me uncomfortable to be vulnerable in that moment. “Intimacy is new for both of us. We didn’t start out exposed, so it takes time to adjust. I need to trust that you’re okay with my body; that way, I can feel comfortable, and there’s nothing to hide.”

He smiled. “I’ve seen those scars, and they’re no different from the ones on my legs. I’ve watched you sleep, and there’s nothing to dislike. Scars are just scars; everyone has them.”

I felt a sense of relief, but it wasn’t enough to make me comfortable with the lights on. He said many kind things, but in my mind, they felt like mere words meant to reassure me. He needed the light on because, as he put it, men appreciate what they can see. “I want to see your face while we’re intimate. It’s about communication. Are you enjoying it? Did I hit the right spot? Is it too rough? You don’t have to tell me; your face will show it. How can I see that if the lights are off?”

So that night, the light was on during our intimate moments. I couldn’t bring myself to open my eyes; I didn’t want to see him watching me. I felt extremely uncomfortable, but I tried to accommodate his wishes. I didn’t even enjoy it; my mind was elsewhere.

But we both had to compromise. Some nights the light stayed on, and other nights it went off. Now, whether it’s on or off, I hardly notice. What matters most is what’s happening between us. Sometimes our eyes meet, but I quickly look away. I do my best to mask my expressions, but occasionally, I can’t help it. When the moment hits, my face reveals everything, and there’s nothing I can do to hide it.

—Achieng,  
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