Ten Years Married Yet My Heart Never Loved Him

We first crossed paths when a friend invited me to her church. After the service, she introduced me to a couple of her male friends, but I didn’t catch their names. A day or two later, my friend called to say that one of those friends had asked for my contact information. “I’ve given it to him, so expect his call. His name is Nii.” Sure enough, a day or two later, he called. “Hi, I’m Nii, the second guy Konadu introduced. How have you been?”

I couldn’t recall his name or face, but I went along with the conversation to spare his feelings. He mentioned he got my number from my friend because he wanted to be friends. I replied, “That’s great. Everyone could use more friends.” Thus began our journey toward friendship.

I realized he had feelings for me on our very first outing. He was all over me, introducing me to anyone who would listen. I admired his honesty and directness, but honestly, I didn’t feel anything for him. After a few weeks, he proposed and even asked my friend to help convince me to say yes. I gave him the classic line: “Give me some time to think about it. I’m still figuring things out. I’ve gone back to my ex four times. Just let me be sure.”

Nii was eager, as if his life depended on my answer. Every morning, he would call to ask, “Mary, have you made a decision about my proposal?” My response was always, “I like you, but I need a few more days to figure out my feelings.”

My friend Konadu kept urging me, “Nii is a great guy. Give him a chance. He would make a wonderful boyfriend.” So one night, when he called, I finally said, “Yes, you’ve won.” You should have heard him; he screamed and celebrated over the phone as if he had just won a lottery.

He never visited my house without bringing a gift. He seemed to have answers for everything and was always there to wipe away my tears. There was never a time I called him that he didn’t answer. I asked him, “Who ended things between you and your ex?” He replied, “She left me.” I thought to myself, “Of course.”

While I wasn’t accustomed to the abuse my ex had put me through, I couldn’t comprehend a relationship so perfect that we never had a disagreement. I kept waiting for that moment when a guy stops answering your calls and starts making excuses. You know, when he sees your missed calls but doesn’t call back because he’s been busy all day? I anticipated that day, but it never came.

We spent a year together, then another. He never missed a call from me. Not a single day went by without hearing his voice or seeing him. A guy like him deserved all the love in the world, but I felt none for him. I hadn’t found anyone else, nor was I thinking about anyone else. He simply wasn’t the right guy for me.

On my 28th birthday, he sat across from me at a restaurant I had chosen. He looked into my eyes and shared his dreams for us: “We’re going to get married next year if God allows. We’ll have a beautiful wedding, and on our honeymoon, I’ll put on my best show and get you pregnant. Nine months later, our first child will arrive, hopefully a girl. We’ll name her whatever you choose. We’ll have a peaceful home and raise our kids.”

It was lovely to hear him say all that. I should have felt happy, but at that moment, I wanted to tell him, “Nii, I’m sorry. I’ve fallen out of love, and I don’t see a future with you.” I truly wanted to say it, but I knew it would break him. I knew he would ask why, and I wouldn’t have answers, so I kept quiet.

On our way home, he remarked, “You don’t look happy.” I replied, “I couldn’t be happier.”

I confided in Konadu about wanting to end the relationship. She exclaimed, “Why! Is he treating you badly?” I said, “Not at all. It’s my heart. I’m just not invested.” She pressed, “Mary, is there something you’re not telling me? Why would you want to leave if everything seems fine?” I explained, “That’s the irony. Nii is so into me, but I feel nothing for him.” She asked, “When did you realize you didn’t love him?” I answered, “Since the day I accepted his proposal.” She advised, “Then you need to tell him how you feel.”

I wish it were that simple.

I tried to drop hints that I wasn’t interested, hoping he would take the hint and walk away, but no matter what I did, he continued to shower me with love. One day, Konadu said something that shifted my perspective: “You don’t have to love a man to live with him. If he loves you like Nii does, stay with him. Love can grow slowly for some people. Yours for him might develop over time.”

So I continued the relationship, despite feeling empty when I was with him.

A year later, as he promised, we got married. During our honeymoon, he indeed put on his best performance, but I didn’t get pregnant. A year and a half after our wedding, we welcomed our first child, a boy. Two years later, we had a girl, followed by another girl a year after that. Then came another girl and finally a boy. Five children later, after seven years of marriage, I still looked at Nii the same way I did when we were dating—still devoid of love. Empty.

Maybe I’m the one who doesn’t understand love, but I swear I do. I’ve felt love and its butterflies before. What I experienced with Fred had never happened again. There were sparks when we kissed, and moans when we made love. He could simply gaze into my eyes, and I would feel completely owned. He was everything wrong for me, yet everything I wanted in a man.

Konadu insisted that love would come if I stayed. Here we are, ten years into marriage, five wonderful kids later, and the love Konadu promised never materialized. Everything I’ve done for him has been out of obligation. If I lost him today, I wouldn’t miss a thing. Well, maybe I’d miss the days when I was younger and wish I could return to who I was before him.

This past Valentine’s Day, I was with him at a restaurant. I wore a new pink dress he had bought for me the day before. He gifted me a gold watch and a necklace, taking me to that restaurant to impress the mother of five. He sat there enjoying his meal as if everything was perfect. I stared at him, wondering, “If you ever find out that I never loved you, would you regret everything? Would you regret calling me your wife and making me the mother of your children?” I was so lost in thought when he asked, “What are you thinking?”

I smiled and replied, “Nothing. I’m just happy for how far we’ve come.” Lies!

—Mary
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