She Chased Closure And Lost The Love She Had

I was just a girl of seventeen when I fell for Ben. My innocence was still intact, but my fears were bubbling beneath the surface. I can’t quite explain why I said yes to him. Perhaps it was because he was an athlete. They say young girls often fall for popular guys due to their talents. But I can assure you, it wasn’t solely his talent that drew me in; there was something more to Ben.

I’ve always preferred my guys tall, and he certainly fit that description. I like them dark, but if he’s tall and fair, I might consider it, since height trumps everything on my list. Ben was fair and charming—a real sweet talker.

Our love was typical of senior high school. We couldn’t do much beyond writing letters to each other, professing our undying love daily. Meanwhile, every girl I knew seemed to be sleeping with some guy, whether I knew him or not. It was almost automatic; they’d fall in love one day, and the next, it was all about sex.

I was a scared girl. I didn’t want to go down that path, fearing it could lead to pregnancy. I was determined to save myself for my future husband, a lesson my parents instilled in me. While everyone around us succumbed to their hormonal urges, we remained steadfast—I resisted his advances and even fought him at times.

Eventually, he accepted that all I could offer were hugs, hand-holding, and the occasional kiss when our adrenaline was high. It became an unspoken rule. We found ourselves in many dark corners and lonely rooms, but he never managed to push me beyond my limits, and our love remained unaffected.

After we graduated high school, we enrolled in different universities, and that’s when our relationship began to fade. We tried to hold on, sometimes going two or three days without talking, but when we did connect, we spent hours trying to rekindle the dimming flame of our relationship. Distance has a way of erasing the footprints in the sand, making it hard to find our way back to those we love.

We struggled to maintain our connection, but our grip loosened until we could barely touch each other. At that point, you hold on to a finger with all your might until it slips away, and you reluctantly let go, telling yourself, “I tried.”

Nothing destroyed what we had. Neither of us wronged the other; life simply got busy, and we lost our way. Calls became infrequent until one day, there were none at all. Sometimes, life just happens.

In my second year of university, I met Joshua.

Actually, it was Joshua who found me, walking up to me and saying, “Hello.” He declared his love for me, and all I could say was, “Give me some time.” Boy meets girl. Boy says, “I love you.” Girl says, “Let’s give it a try.” That’s the essence of our story.

The first thing I noticed about Joshua was his impatience. He wanted what he wanted, and he wanted it now. That should have been my first red flag, but curiosity whispered, “Hold on, little girl; there’s more to him than impatience. Remember, he’s tall and dark.”

Tall and dark won me over.

I stayed, even when it was clear he wasn’t good for me. I stayed, even when he was emotionally unavailable. I stayed, even when he tried to force his way with me on several occasions. I suppose I was still a naive girl.

One afternoon at his hostel, I watched him take away the most precious thing in my life—my virginity. I was too exhausted to fight him. After several minutes of struggle, there comes a point when a girl simply runs out of strength.

And I was too embarrassed to scream.

He got his way. I cried and felt angry, but one thing I couldn’t do was walk away. I thought that now that he had what he wanted, he would treat me well. Boy, was I wrong. I was merely a trophy for him. Boys are passionate about their football teams because, deep down, those teams remind them of who they are. They fight through the season against various opponents just to win a small trophy. And what do they do after winning? They celebrate briefly and then chase after another trophy.

Now, tell me that’s not how boys are. I’m waiting.

Joshua had his trophy for the season. He placed me in his trophy cabinet and began pursuing another prize. To him, every girl had her season, just like his favorite Arsenal football club. The only difference was that he had won some trophies.

I completed my studies and moved on. I didn’t waste time in any other relationship; Joshua had taken enough from me. They say girls have a season when they say no to all relationships. We need to rest.

I did my national service and later found a job. I was doing well, and that’s when I began to think about a relationship again. I wanted a man who would treat me well emotionally. I was ready for a good relationship. I remember one afternoon, I put on a new dress and shoes, did my makeup like a queen, picked up my clutch, and stood in front of the mirror, telling myself, “Girl, you are beautiful. You’ll light up wherever you go with this beauty. Imagine the right man by your side; together, you’ll rule the world.”

Self-love is always free!

Then I met a man. He checked only two of my boxes, but that was fine. He wasn’t tall or dark, but hey, we can’t have everything we want in life. The first tall and dark guy I had took everything from me. What does height matter? It was time to try something different. I said yes to him, and we started dating. We didn’t rule the world, but we were king and queen in our own little realm. He treated me like a man who loves his woman and even gave me a pet name: Lindie, short for Linda.

I changed my Facebook name from Linda to Lindie Dzorling. That’s what happens when love finds you!

One day, I ran into Ben. Yes, that Ben from twenty-three paragraphs ago. I met him at a Christmas carol event. He was doing well, working for one of the telcos in Ghana. We talked throughout the carol, reminiscing about old times and wondering, “What happened?” Neither of us had answers.

I had his number all along but never thought to reach out. He had my number too but never called. However, after that night, we began talking every day and night. I confided in him about Joshua and what he had done to me. He was furious and even suggested, “It’s never too late to make a case against him. That’s what the #MeToo movement is for.” He also shared his own experiences with failed relationships.

Then came the crucial question…

“So what now? Are you dating?”

I replied, “Yeah, I have someone now. He’s cute and hitting all the right notes in my life. I hope it stays that way.” He responded, “Yeah, there’s someone for me too. We’re mostly on and off due to a couple of things lacking in our lives, but we’re okay.” That settled it, but we continued talking and even met occasionally. Then the issue of old flames began to resurface. It started as a thought, then morphed into a feeling. Whenever we spoke, something felt amiss. There were unresolved feelings.

One night, he said, “We just let ourselves drift apart. What I feel for you never died; it was buried alive. Now that I’ve found you again, everything is alive, as if we never left.” I asked, “So what do you want us to do?” He jokingly replied, “Leave that guy and come back to me.” We both laughed at how callous that sounded. I said, “If I had met you earlier, things would have been different. Now, it’s unlikely because this one treats me how I want to be treated.”

Then he dropped the bomb: “Okay, we don’t have to be together, but please let’s have proper closure so my heart can rest. Just one night together, that’s all I ask.” “One night together for what?” I questioned. “What are we going to do all night?” He replied, “Closure. We do what we never did so we can both move on in peace.”

I thought he was being foolish, but he kept insisting on that closure until I began to consider it: “I truly love him. The only thing standing between us is my cute boyfriend, but what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him, right? I can do this, and he’ll never find out. Just one night together, and I’ll never answer his calls again.”

Let’s be honest: a girl can be incredibly foolish when it comes to love. How did I even agree to that?

It was a Friday night. I donned my new dress and shoes, grabbed my clutch, stood in front of the mirror, took a deep breath, and said, “Little girl, stay calm. It’s just one night, nothing more.” I arrived at his door around 9 PM. He let me in, and it was a night to remember. When I woke up Saturday morning, I wanted just one more day, so I stayed until Sunday morning, taking the walk of shame back home.

I found myself crying all day. It had been a great night, but I regretted everything. I felt cheap and undeserving. I thought I deserved everything Joshua had done to me if I could betray my cute boyfriend like that. He had been loving and nothing short of amazing, yet I threw it all away for two nights and a day with an old flame. Ben called me countless times, but I never answered. He wanted more from me, but I despised myself for what I had done. I considered forgetting everything and moving on with my cute boyfriend.

But something was missing. Nothing felt the same between me and my cute boyfriend anymore. His touch became ordinary, his kisses failed to move me, and I compared him to Ben at every turn. He was giving me his all, but I was cold and unresponsive. We began to fade away little by little until the last flicker extinguished.

As of now, I haven’t had a relationship that lasted more than six months. My last relationship before writing this lasted only twenty-eight days. That’s how far I’ve fallen.

—Lindie  
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