My Mother Kept Ruining Every Relationship I Had

My first heartbreak was a complete disaster. I felt like I was going to be consumed by heartache. I cried endlessly until my mom came to my room and asked, “What’s wrong? Did you lose your job?” I shook my head. “Did someone hurt you?” I shook my head again. “So what’s bothering you? Did someone insult you?” I shook my head once more. She took my hand and helped me sit up. “Talk to me. What’s going on?” I hesitated, but I couldn’t hide the truth from her. “Philip broke up with me, and I didn’t do anything wrong.”

She found it amusing and burst into laughter. “Oh, so you were lying when you said he was just a friend? Don’t embarrass yourself. You’re too beautiful to cry over a boy. I never liked him anyway. Dust yourself off and learn from this. You’re always single until you’re married. Don’t give your all to a boy who treats you like this.”

“You’re always single until you’re married.” That was the lesson I took away, and it marked the beginning of my conversations with my mom about my relationships.

My mom has a unique perspective on relationship issues, likely shaped by her own experiences. I have three siblings, each with different fathers. She didn’t marry my older brother’s father because he moved abroad and never contacted her again. She met my dad when my brother was seven, and they had a small traditional wedding. A year later, I was born, and shortly after, my parents divorced.

She said, “Your father took me for a fool. As soon as you were born, he started coming home with another woman. Not long after, he told me he was going to marry her as a second wife. He couldn’t even take care of me, so I didn’t understand why he needed another wife. I divorced him when he insisted on having a second wife.”

Years later, when she met my little brother’s father, she thought he was the one the man she would settle down with forever. They had my younger brother, but he began to “misbehave,” and she left him too. She always took the initiative to leave. “I won’t wait for a man to misbehave and then leave me. Never.”

That’s my mom for you.

When I accepted Osei’s proposal and felt confident about him, I brought him home to introduce him to my mom. She praised him and immediately referred to him as her son-in-law. “Don’t hesitate to visit whenever you want. If you love my daughter, you have a home with us. Give me your number, and we’ll chat sometime.”

She took his number, called it from her phone, and asked him to save her contact. When we were alone, Osei said, “Your mother is very welcoming; I like her already.” I was thrilled that he felt good about my mom.

A week later, he told me my mom had called him. I asked, “What did she say?” He replied, “Oh, nothing much. She just checked in to see how I was doing.” “Well, it seems she likes you. If you leave me, you won’t just break my heart; you’ll break hers too, so you better be a good guy.” Everything seemed fine between us. He visited whenever he wanted, and I did the same. I met his parents, and they liked me too. In my mind, we were on the right track.

But soon, things began to change. I noticed he was sulking about something. Whenever I asked, he brushed it off. He stopped visiting as often and always had an excuse for not coming over. I started to worry. I reflected on everything that had happened and couldn’t pinpoint anything I had done to upset him. “Well, relationships have their ups and downs. It’s just a phase, and I hope it passes soon.”

One afternoon, he called, sounding worried. “Tell your mom to tone it down. I’m not a bank.” I was taken aback. “What do you mean?” He explained, “The day she took my number, she called me the next day asking for money. I sent it to her. Since then, she hasn’t gone a week without asking for more.” I exclaimed, “Why didn’t you tell me sooner? I sensed something was off, but you didn’t say anything.” After hanging up, I went straight home to confront her.

“Mom, why did you call Osei and ask him for money? Don’t I give you money every week?”

“He told you that? What an embarrassment. I thought he was a man enough.”

“This isn’t about being a man. You shouldn’t be asking him for money. He owes you nothing. Please, let this be the last time.”

The next day, she called Osei to insult him for telling me the truth.

I can tell you that nothing was the same between Osei and me after that, and I understood his feelings. He realized my mother didn’t like him, which created tension between us. Soon, he was out of my life. I vowed never to introduce anyone to my mom again.

About a year later, I met a guy on Facebook, and we became good friends. He lived in Australia. We talked on the phone every day and developed a strong bond. He proposed, but I didn’t say yes. I wanted him to come to Ghana and get to know him better before moving forward. He planned to visit in a few months, and I hoped I might develop feelings for him.

One night, we talked for so long that my phone died. I tried to charge it, but the power was out, so I borrowed my mom’s phone to continue our conversation. In hindsight, I should have deleted his number after our chat, but I didn’t.

Two days later, he called me. “Your mother called me this morning. She’s really nice. She said you spoke highly of me and can’t wait to meet me.” I buried my face in my palm. I replied, “Oh yeah, she’s quite the character, but don’t indulge her too much; she talks a lot. You know how it is with menopause.” He responded, “Oh, I don’t mind at all. My mom talks longer than she does, so it’s no problem.”

I went to my mom, “Maa, my friend said you called him. Why would you do that? Do you even know who he is? And you had the money to call someone in Australia? Please, this should be the last time. Don’t call him again.” She retorted, “Are you the one to decide who I can call?”

That evening, while she was in the bathroom, I sneaked into her room, grabbed her phone, and deleted the number. It felt like a flawless victory. I smiled to myself and returned to my room.

The next day, he called me again. “Your mom is hilarious. She was telling me about your childhood, and I couldn’t stop laughing.”

“Ahh, she called you again?”

“Oh yeah, she did. She’s such a good talker.”

“Tell me, what else did she say?”

“Oh, nothing much, just the usual.”

I rushed to her again, “Mom, I hate what you’re doing. Why do you want to ruin things for me? This person you call every day, I don’t even know him. I haven’t met him yet. He’s not even my boyfriend, so why are you so involved?” She replied, “You’re being selfish. You’re my daughter, but you always want to eat and leave me behind.”

This is a woman I support financially every week. My other siblings don’t care for her. She lives in my apartment and doesn’t work. If you give her money today, she’ll squander it in no time. I do my best for her, yet she thinks she has the right to take from whoever I’m dating.

Fast forward, the guy came to Ghana. She asked for many things, and he brought them. We spent only a month together, and I realized he wasn’t someone I could love. I didn’t like his education level. He seemed content with the menial jobs he was doing in Australia. He appeared settled with what he had, and I wasn’t interested in that. I need ambition and vision from the man I want to marry, and he had neither. When he proposed again, I said no. I told him there was someone else in my life who wasn’t going anywhere. I made up several excuses to let him go.

He said, “I don’t mind; I can wait.”

To me, he was a lost cause. We didn’t have a relationship. Somehow, he thought he could rely on my mother to persuade me to say yes. He kept sending her what she asked for. I told him multiple times to stop talking to my mom and giving her what she wanted, but he ignored me.

Then I found a man who I believe is the one. My heart tells me so, but my mother refuses to accept anyone else if I’m not ready to settle down with the guy in Australia. I asked her, “Do you want my happiness or your own through me?” She replied, “I know that guy; he’ll make you a happy wife. What could you possibly need that he wouldn’t provide?” I told her, “Fortunately, I have a good job and can work for the things he can give me. I need other things to make me happy. He doesn’t have that.”

“You either marry him or no one else,” she insisted.

I’m done arguing with her about this. When my rent is due, I won’t renew it. I’ll find her a new place and get myself one too. I swear she will never know where I live. I will marry with or without her, and I won’t give her the chance to ruin any future relationships. If she’s happy with the guy in Australia, she can keep him while I move on to find what truly makes me happy and fulfills my soul.

—Fafa  
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