Loving A Woman Whose Heart Was Broken By The Past

When I met her, she was already shattered. Fresh from her fourth relationship in just two years, she had vowed never to love again. “This love thing isn’t for me,” she confessed. “I give my all to the ones I love, but I always end up losing them when I need them the most. Now, I don’t even recognize love. I wouldn’t see it if it were right in front of me because I’ve shut my heart to it.”

She believed her struggles stemmed from her size. Her first boyfriend constantly called her fat and urged her to lose weight. She tried everything—slimming teas and various diets—but nothing changed. Before she knew it, her boyfriend of two years was dating someone half her size. That experience shattered her confidence, but she didn’t give up.

Then came her last boyfriend. Determined to ensure he loved her for who she was, she asked, “Do you think a woman of my size is what you want?” He replied affirmatively. “The thing is, they always say yes, but after a few months, once the intimacy happens, things change. They claim everything is fine, but soon enough, you find yourself alone in the relationship. They stop loving you and lie about it until they finally leave.”

I recognized her pain and knew I had to help her rebuild her confidence. Most importantly, I needed to help her learn to love herself first. It wasn’t easy, but a man must invest in what he loves and believe in its truth. I began taking her out and introducing her to my friends as the girl of my dreams—even to strangers. One evening, while dining out, I told the waitress, “My girlfriend and I would like special treatment because we’re celebrating our love anniversary.” I was determined to show her off to the world to help her overcome her insecurities.

Yet, she remained fearful. The more I tried to make her feel cherished and secure, the more she feared losing me. “I’ve seen this before,” she said. “My third boyfriend acted like I was his everything at first. He introduced me to his parents, but when he decided to leave, nothing I said could change his mind.”

The issue was that she had experienced it all before. Whatever I did or said had already been done or said by one of her exes. I could plan something fun for us, and while we would enjoy it, it would only remind her of happier times with someone else. “That’s what Joe did,” she would say, or “That’s what Martin did before he left.”

I told her, “For our love to flourish, you need to let go of your past. I understand they hurt you and left while you were still loving them, but there’s a reason they’re no longer in your life. They chose to move on. Why carry them with you every step of the way?” She would pause, then reply, “You don’t understand. I’ve been hurt before, and I don’t want to feel that pain again.”

A year into our relationship, we decided to take a significant step forward. We planned to introduce each other to our parents and combine our resources to marry by the end of the year. She was excited, and so was I. I thought that our decision to marry would boost her confidence and alleviate her insecurities about love. I was mistaken.

One night, after a sleepover at my place, I woke up to find her going through my phone. I pretended not to notice and turned away to sleep. The next morning, she didn’t look well. When I asked about her night, she didn’t respond. Moments later, she asked, “What is it about this girl that you can’t stop taking photos with her? Is she the only person at your office?”

I knew exactly who she meant. I asked, “Which girl?” She pulled out her phone and showed me pictures I had taken with Pat, a colleague. She had transferred those photos from my phone while I was asleep. I asked, “Where did you get these photos?” She snapped back, “That’s not important. Oh, I see. She’s beautiful, right? She’s beautiful because she’s slim, right? Why did you choose me if you prefer slim girls?”

That morning, I thought to myself, “Abe, walk away. This issue is bigger than you realize. Don’t try to be a hero. Not everyone can be saved. Just walk away and be free.”

I looked into her eyes and asked, “Why are you trying so hard to tear us apart when all I’ve ever wanted is you? Is it intentional, or do you truly dislike yourself that much?” She shot back, “You should be answering my questions, not the other way around.” I replied, “Yes! She’s beautiful because she believes she is, and I like her because she has confidence in herself.”

In anger, she gathered her things and stormed out.

I felt a sense of relief. In my mind, it was over, and I was content because I knew I had been honest about my feelings all along. “God knows I tried. She’s the issue. She won’t allow herself to heal, and that’s her struggle.”

Three days passed without a word from her. A week went by, and still no call. Then one morning, she called to apologize. We met that evening, and I told her, “I know you’ve been through a lot, but don’t make me pay for the mistakes of others. It feels like you’re punishing me for the wrongs done to you, and that’s not fair. If this continues, we won’t get far. Let’s start fresh, but this time, you need to trust me.”

Things improved. She wanted me to be open with her, to share where I went and who I spent time with, and most importantly, to remind her often that she was beautiful. It wasn’t easy, but we kept trying.

Now, we are still together and planning to marry soon. She hasn’t fully healed, but she makes an effort every day to remind herself that she is more than her troubled past. Little by little, we will triumph and live as husband and wife, taking it one day at a time.

—Abegunde,  
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