She Chose Self Worth Over Toxic Love

It has been six months since I found the strength to leave our relationship. I am grateful to God for that courage and to myself for recognizing my self-worth. Each day spent with you felt like acid burning my skin. Gradually, you were consuming me, yet I was terrified to leave, convinced that no one would love me if I let you go.

In the early days of our love, you looked into my eyes and spoke the sweet words I longed to hear. You called me beautiful, and for the first time, I believed it. You said I completed your life, and I had no reason to doubt you. You took my hand, led me to your home, and introduced me to your mother as the woman you intended to marry. I was overwhelmed.

Fast forward two years, and everything changed, including how you referred to me. I was no longer Edith, the girl you loved and promised the world to. Instead, I became “Fatso” because I had gained some weight. I had shared with you that my family struggles with weight; my mother is plus-sized and was once called “Aunty Obolobo.” My siblings are not slim either. I was fortunate to inherit my father's genes, making me slightly slimmer than my siblings, but I knew my weight would eventually catch up with me. I tried to be cautious about my diet and exercised occasionally, but it wasn’t enough to escape my family’s size.

As I gained weight, the issues in our relationship escalated. I noticed the change in you and asked what was wrong. You replied, “Nothing, I’m fine.” You were fine, but you stopped calling and answering my calls, offering excuses instead of the affection I once knew. I loved you, but I wasn’t blind to the problems. One day, after pleading with you to let me go if you no longer loved me, you said, “If you can work on your weight, then we’re good. You’ve become too fat for my liking.”

So that was the issue all along. I was slim when you chose me as your girlfriend, but as I gained weight, your treatment of me changed. I tried to make light of the situation to avoid feeling embarrassed, joking, “I’ve gained weight because you’ve taken such good care of me. That should be a compliment to you.” Instead of laughing, you became furious, saying, “If I wanted a fat girlfriend, I would have chosen one from the start. I wouldn’t have waited two years for you to gain weight.”

Your words hurt deeply, but I loved you too much to be angry, so I replied, “Give me some time. I’ll lose the weight, and you’ll love me again.”

Dear Kwame, I truly tried. I started drinking slim teas, but when that didn’t yield results, I switched to dieting. When that didn’t work either, I combined slim teas, dieting, and exercise, but nothing changed. Instead of recognizing my efforts, you constantly berated me, saying, “Lose weight! All my friends are laughing at me because of you.”

As the results failed to materialize, I fell into a depression. I dreaded seeing you. During our phone calls, I prayed you wouldn’t ask about my weight loss efforts, but you always did. One night, you told me, “If what you’re doing isn’t working, then you’re not doing it right. If I were you, I’d stop eating altogether. You’re already fat, so what do you need food for?” I don’t know if you meant it, but from that day on, I began to starve myself. I fasted for twelve hours a day for a week. Even when I did eat, I consumed so little that I felt hunger pangs throughout the night. I didn’t mind; I was doing it for love.

After a month, I started feeling lighter. I knew I had lost some weight; some of my clothes no longer fit. I looked in the mirror at my gaunt face and thought, “Yes, this is working.” All I wanted was for you to say, “You’re really trying,” but instead, you said, “Lose some weight or this relationship is over. Remember, no man wants a woman he can’t lift off the ground.” Your words shattered me instead of building my confidence, and I began to believe your toxic views about my size, feeling worthless. I thought you were doing me a favor by being with someone like me, someone no man would want.

So, I clung to you with all my heart and soul. I didn’t want to lose you and face a life of loneliness, so I complied with everything you asked to keep you in my life. Do you remember that night we fought over the girl I suspected you were cheating with? I knew I was right, but because you were angry, I went to your house the next day to apologize. I had to apologize for accusing you of cheating. You said, “I can only forgive you if you lose some weight.”

“But I’ve lost weight! Look at me. I may not be the same size I was when you proposed, but I’ve made progress.”

You just smiled and walked away. Later that night, around 9 PM, I prepared a delicious fufu and enjoyed it with palm nut soup. I drank a whole liter of Coke before bed. The next morning, I had banku and okra stew. In the afternoon, I repeated the fufu. Later that night, I had something else and experienced the best sleep of my life. That’s when I realized how much I missed good food. I decided enough was enough; if you wouldn’t love me as I am, I wouldn’t sacrifice my well-being for a size that only served your ego. What about me?

I stopped reaching out for days, hoping you would call, but you never did. I thought to myself, “If I can go a whole week without hearing from you, then I can live without you entirely.” So when you finally called, I was ready. I said, “We’re done. Clearly, you don’t like fat people, and I’m fat. Go your way, and let me go mine.” I expected you to try to stop me, but instead, you said, “Instead of thanking me for being with you, you’re pushing me away. Don’t worry, I’m already gone.”

That was the end of us.

Now, six months later, the good news is I’ve lost a significant amount of weight. I may not be back to the size I was when we met, but trust me, in two months, I will be. I’ve learned that when we do things for ourselves rather than for others, we appreciate the small victories, which motivates us to achieve even more. Little by little, I’ve reclaimed my life, and my confidence is soaring.

I thank God for the courage to walk away, and I pray I never encounter a man like you again. I’m also grateful for your presence in my life; you taught me that I deserve better. Because of you, I now know what I don’t want in a partner, and for that, I am thankful.

No longer yours,

—Betty

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