My Husband Wants Me To Choose Between Him And My Mother

Before we got married, my husband, who was then just my boyfriend, had a close bond with my mother. Whenever he visited, she went out of her way to make him feel at home. She would cook for him, serve him, and after he finished eating, she would clear the table. My mother affectionately called him "soldier one" because of his military background, and he would respond with "Asiw one." She would salute him, and he would walk over to correct her salute, saying something like, "Your salute looks miserable. Turn your hand this way."

Their camaraderie filled me with admiration. It was my mother who encouraged him to propose to me after we had been dating for about a year. She wasn’t pressuring him; she just wanted to ensure that the right steps were taken. Meanwhile, my father remained indifferent. He didn’t dislike my boyfriend, but he never engaged with him much. Their conversations were always brief and to the point.

As fate would have it, we got married when my husband sensed he might be deployed on a mission. He said, “If that happens, I won’t know when I’ll return, so it’s better we get married before I leave.” So, in July 2019, surrounded by family, friends, and well-wishers, we tied the knot.

In February of this year, I gave birth. When I had the baby, it was my husband who called my mom to ask if she could come help me care for the child. She agreed without hesitation and packed her things to join us. That’s when the issues between my husband and my mother began.

One evening, after returning from work, my husband was served rice and stew. Upon seeing the food, he became upset and asked, “Didn’t you all say you were going to cook fufu? What’s with this rice?” Before I could respond, my mom interjected, “Isn’t rice food?” My husband replied, “It’s not food; it looks like gravel.” Since my mom had cooked, she felt insulted, while my husband felt deceived, as he had expected fufu and had even drunk alcohol to prepare for it.

That day, my mom confronted him angrily, but when he realized she was upset, he calmed down and apologized. She pretended to accept the apology, but for days afterward, she complained about it, hurt that her son-in-law would speak to her that way.

Another incident involved a confrontation between my husband and me. He remarked, “Change that stinking character you brought into this marriage, or we’ll always have problems.” I remained silent, but my mom snapped. She shouted, “What do you mean she has a stinking character? If you have a disagreement with your wife, you don’t need to argue in front of me. To say she has a bad character in my presence is an insult to me and my husband. Do you think we didn’t raise our daughter well? Were you raised well enough to question her character?” This escalated into a heated exchange between them.

Nothing I said could calm my mother down. The next day, she called my father to report the incident, saying, “That guy shouldn’t have married my daughter. He has nothing but walks around giving orders and disrespecting everyone.” My baby was only two months old, but I felt the need to send my mother away. The constant fighting was overwhelming, and I feared she would continue to take sides.

Two weeks later, another argument erupted. A week after that, yet another fight occurred. There was never a peaceful moment in our home. My husband often came home drunk, feeling free to express his thoughts to my mother. My mom could be cheerful all day, but as 4 PM approached, she would start to frown, knowing my husband would soon arrive. When he came home and asked, “Who cooked today’s food?” if I said it was my mom, he would demand, “Cook something else for me; I won’t eat this.” My mom would retort, “How much is your food money that you think you can order another meal? She won’t cook anything. Deal with it.”

We lived in a small room, so they inevitably crossed paths. Eventually, my dad called my mom and told her to return home. Before she left, she told my husband, “I will never recognize you as my son-in-law. I regret allowing you to marry my daughter.” He replied, “That’s your daughter; you can take her with you.” After she returned home, the fighting continued. One day, she called my phone, and my husband answered. As soon as she heard his voice, another argument broke out. I was asleep but could hear him shouting on the phone.

I took the phone and said to my mom, “Why do you always have to fight? Can’t you forgive and move on?” She responded, “You’re siding with your husband? I’ve always fought for you, but you have the audacity to side with the enemy?” She cried on the phone, and I felt restless. She informed my dad about it, claiming she had disowned me. That night, my husband declared, “Your mother will never set foot in this house again, and you won’t talk to her on the phone. She’s poisoning your mind, and if you disobey, you’ll pack your things and leave with her.”

While most nursing mothers bring their moms around for support, I brought mine to create chaos. Every time I went to the hospital and they checked my blood pressure, it was always elevated. I struggled to sleep and eat well. Even though my mom was away, she still managed to cause me distress. She called my two sisters and told them she had disowned me, claiming I had sided with my husband to kick her out of our home. Daily, I received calls from people informing me of what my mother was saying.

Weeks ago, I decided to go home and resolve things with her. My husband warned, “If you leave this house, it’s over between us. Let your mother disown you; I prefer it that way. She can’t interfere in our lives anymore.” I tried to explain my feelings, insisting I couldn’t let my mother believe I had chosen sides. He asked, “So you’ve picked her side?” I replied, “Not exactly. I’m trying to be fair to both of you, but what’s right must be done.” He insisted, “You’re either on my side or hers. You can’t support both. Choose: go and don’t come back, or stay and we’ll rebuild.”

Now, I’m stuck in this situation. I’ve reached out to our pastor, who called my mom, but she hung up as soon as he mentioned the issues between us. My husband has made it clear he doesn’t want to discuss my mother anymore.

My dad has distanced himself from the situation, leaving me feeling isolated and unsure of what to do. I need my mom and my husband. I know if I go home and talk to my mom, I could find some resolution. She loves me and has always supported me, but now she won’t answer my calls, and my husband is unwilling to soften his stance. What should I do?

–Emelia

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