He Gambled Away Our Children’s School Fees

My husband was out of work when I decided to leave my previous job for a new position that offered a better salary and excellent working conditions. I expected him to be happy for me, believing the news would uplift his spirits and inspire him to continue searching for opportunities. However, when I shared my new job offer, he remarked, “You women get it easily because you know what you give to those who provide such opportunities.” I was taken aback. I asked, “Are you implying that I had to give ‘something’ to get the job?” He dismissed my question, saying, “I didn’t say that,” and walked away.

His reaction and attitude left me stunned. Later that night, as we lay in bed, he tried to get intimate. I gently told him, “I felt disrespected by your insinuation that I slept my way to the job. I need an apology. Please tell me you didn’t mean it that way.” He replied, “I didn’t say you slept with anyone to get the job. You’re the one saying that. If that’s not what you did, then how did you know that’s what I meant?” He then turned away and went to sleep.

He had been unemployed for two years. One day, he came home furious, shouting and hurling insults at invisible targets. I didn’t need to ask what was wrong; as soon as he saw me, he began to vent, “I can’t sit there and let them disrespect me every day. I’m a man. I have a woman and kids at home. I’m responsible. I won’t let an unmarried woman like her use me as a doormat.” I asked seriously, “Kay, what’s the issue?” He raged, “That girl thinks I’ll let her walk all over me. Her disrespect pushed me over the edge, so I gave it back to her yesterday. Today, they suspended me for insulting her after she insulted me first? They can keep their rat-infested office; I’m not going back.”

The girl he referred to was his boss. From the start, he had issues with her being appointed as his superior, constantly complaining about how she hadn’t been with the company long and suggesting she might have slept her way to the top. I always knew he would struggle with her, but I didn’t anticipate that it would lead him to resign from a position he had held for five years.

The very next day, I overheard him on the phone with friends, saying he needed a new job. He would leave home frequently, claiming he was meeting someone who promised him a high-paying role. Yet, he always returned empty-handed. For two years, he kept searching but found nothing. He stopped fulfilling his responsibilities as a husband. When he was employed, we shared expenses equally, splitting costs like rent down the middle. 

I remember the day after he lost his job when the kids asked him for money, and he told them, “Go to mommy. She has the money now.” For an entire week, he sent the kids to me for their needs. I questioned him, “But Kay, you just lost your job. What they’re asking for isn’t unreasonable.” He replied, “I’m unemployed now, so I have to manage my money until I find a new job. You’ll learn to support your husband until he gets back on his feet.” From that point on, he stopped contributing financially. It didn’t bother me much; I continued to do everything out of goodwill.

It was late, around 10 PM. The kids were asleep, and I was in the living room with Kay, watching TV while he was on his phone, typing and smiling. Suddenly, the power went out. I noticed that all our neighbors still had electricity. Kay remained quiet, still focused on his phone. I said, “Kay, the power is out. What’s going on?” He replied without looking up, “It’s the prepaid.” I responded, “But we just topped up yesterday?” He said, “I used the money for something I needed.” That night, we went to bed in the dark, and the next day, I bought the top-up.

One day, I received a call from our kids’ teacher: “Mom, the kids can’t come to school tomorrow unless they bring their school fees.” I assured her, “No problem. They’ll have their fees tomorrow.” I had given Kay the money to pay at the beginning of the term, but he hadn’t done so. I was furious when I got home. I confronted him, “Kay, why would you do that? Even if you didn’t pay the fees because you needed the money for something important, why didn’t you tell me?” He responded rudely, “I borrowed the money with the intention of paying it back. Should I inform you about everything I spend money on in this house?”

Even though my husband wasn’t working, he still had needs, so I decided to give him some money every week. Initially, I surprised him by slipping cash into his wallet. I did this for several weeks, but he never once said thank you. I thought, “Maybe he thinks his wallet magically fills with money.” I stopped leaving it in his wallet and began giving it to him directly. Again, he accepted the money without a word. One month, when bills piled up, I couldn’t give him my usual weekly amount. One day, as I was heading to work, he called me, “You haven’t given me my allowance.”

He referred to it as an allowance because he felt entitled to it. I explained, “The bills are piling up. I don’t have much to give this week.” He smirked, “Eii women. Your husband is struggling, and you want him to beg you for help? When I was working, I gave you without you asking.” While he was employed, I showered him with gifts on every occasion, but he treated mine as if they were insignificant.

Then he started gambling. In the first week, he won something and became addicted, hanging out with a group of young guys, some of whom could easily be his sons if he had started a family early. He didn’t care. He would use our prepaid money and our children’s weekly canteen fees to place bets. He brought these young friends home, where they would eat, drink, and discuss betting odds, leaving the place messy for me to clean. When I complained, he said, “Now that you’re the one paying rent, I can’t bring my friends over anymore? Eiii women!” He saw nothing wrong with his behavior but found fault with women instead.

He has been unemployed for three years now. Occasionally, he finds temporary work, but most of the time, he remains jobless. Recently, I reached out to some people for help for him. It was embarrassing to hear some of their comments, but I didn’t give up. I wanted to help him. He was called for an interview once, and when he returned, he told me, “I did very well. Now it’s your turn. Do everything you can to make sure they hire me. I know what you’re capable of.”

To this day, I’m still grappling with the implications of that statement. “Do EVERYTHING you can…” “I know what you’re capable of…” What did he mean? Perhaps it’s not what I think, but I can’t help but feel that way because I know his beliefs. He has expressed before that he thinks women sleep their way to the top. Was he suggesting I should do something inappropriate when he said, “Do EVERYTHING you can?” I leave him to his own misguided notions. For now, all I can do is pray that he finds a job soon because he’s becoming increasingly unbearable.

—Veeda