I Left Him And Found The Love I Truly Deserved

Dear Fiifi,

A few years ago, my younger sister approached me for advice regarding her troubled relationship with a guy she had been dating for three years. Their relationship was tumultuous, and despite his promises to change, nothing ever improved. She was in pain, often contemplating leaving but fearful of what the future held.

I told her, “You’ve given him enough chances, and nothing has changed. It’s time to walk away. It may seem daunting at first, but once you muster the courage to leave, you won’t perish, and soon life will return to a sense of normalcy.” She replied, “How can I be sure I’ll find someone better? I’m not getting any younger, and starting over terrifies me.”

Fiifi, this is where the lessons I learned from our time together came into play. Our relationship may have felt like a waste, but I can now confidently say that I endured it so I could help my sister find freedom. That’s one positive takeaway from my time with you. I used our story to illustrate a brighter future after a breakup. She trusted my words, and today, she is living a stress-free life.

When I was with you, life was unpredictable. You would give me reasons to stay, only to take them away the next day. I felt trapped. You were both sweet and sour, hard and soft, warm and cold. I caught you cheating with the girl you claimed was just a friend, yet just a week prior, you had driven from Madina to Kasoa at dawn to help me take my sick mother to the hospital. You were asleep, but when I told you about my mom’s condition, you immediately said, “I can be there in twenty minutes. It’s early, so there’s no traffic.” True to your word, you arrived in twenty minutes, carried my mom into the car, and drove us to the hospital, even covering some of the bills.

You cheated, but just a week earlier, you were my savior. Had it not been for you, my mom might not have survived. I wanted to leave when I discovered your infidelity, but when you came begging for forgiveness, I remembered your kindness from the week before and chose to forgive you. You were warm and cold. What hurt me even more was the day you hit me over a trivial argument about a boy I had just met. It was clear he liked me, but I didn’t reciprocate. He had my number, and I couldn’t control when he called. That night, when he did call, I simply told him not to call again. You turned it into a huge issue, thinking I said that because you were present. You became angry, and before I knew it, a slap landed on my face. You called me a whore and hurled many hurtful words at me.

I loved you, so I stayed.

If I tried to list all the wrongs you committed against me, I would run out of space. So, when I finally decided to leave, it was a conviction rather than an emotional reaction. I was convinced I deserved better than what you offered, yet emotionally, I thought, “He has done good things for me too; why shouldn’t I give him one more chance?” I refused to let my emotions dictate my decision, so I called you and told you I was done.

In the past, when you threatened to leave, I would rush to you, begging and crying like a child. I expected a similar reaction from you this time. If you had apologized, it might have made it harder for me to leave, but instead, you came with your ego and said things that pushed me further away. You said, “I know you’re leaving because I’ve lost my job, but remember, I will get back on my feet. You’ll come back and beg me, but it will be too late.” That wasn’t the reason for my departure, but I felt it pointless to defend myself. You told me, “You’ll never find a guy like me. Who else would wake up at dawn to take your mom to the hospital? No one but me.” Yes, you did that, and I was grateful.

Then, in a fit of anger, you said, “Karma will find you and punish you for leaving your boyfriend when he lost his job. Someone will do the same to you, and you’ll understand how it feels.” It frightened me, but I knew my heart was pure. I was leaving because of all the wrongs you had done, not because you were unemployed.

A year and a half later, I met Prince, and a year after that, we got married. You were right; I never found a guy like you—warm and cold. I found Prince. Those who truly want you don’t waste time; they don’t oscillate between sweetness and bitterness. They give you their best because they recognize your worth. They may make mistakes, just as we all do, but they don’t intentionally hurt you and then excuse it as being human. I’m in a happy place now. Your threats didn’t bring me down, and perhaps the karma you sent to find me lost my address. You have my number; feel free to give it to karma.

So, when my sister expressed her fears about the future and starting over, I told her, “Remember my relationship with Fiifi? We dated for five years. When I left him, I was 29, but look at what I found after letting him go. I’m not saying that will be your story, but it can be if you’re willing to let go of what holds you back. Starting over isn’t bad; it’s an opportunity to use your past experiences to create a better future. Take a chance.”

She listened and left. Her boyfriend said many things out of ego, but she walked away. Today, she’s in a happy relationship, and marriage seems to be the next step. I wrote you this letter to express how you helped me guide my sister to leave a relationship that was going nowhere, just like ours. I didn’t waste my time with you; I was there to learn a lesson for the future, and I’m grateful. Now I understand that leaving doesn’t mean things will get worse for us. It’s all about choices. If you leave but continue to make poor choices, you’ll suffer. All it takes is one good choice.

—Fafa