How Teamwork Made Our Marriage Stronger

I never labeled myself as a feminist, but from the start, I had a clear vision of what I wanted in a romantic relationship and marriage. So when I met Gordon, I was attentive to the signs and red flags. I needed to ensure that he shared my beliefs about love and marriage. I wanted to know if he would support my aspirations and allow me to be the person I wanted to be.

Our first serious conversation took place the day before I agreed to marry him. During that discussion, he remarked, “I can see you have a strong feminist inclination, and I admire that. I believe in women and their potential when given the right opportunities.” To be honest, I didn’t know much about feminism or how feminists typically think and act, but I was certain I didn’t want to be trapped in a marriage where I would be overworked while he lounged around. I needed to be assured of a genuine partnership, not a situation where his word was the final say.

My older sister had that kind of marriage. I lived with them for just three months, and I thought to myself, “If that’s what marriage is, then count me out.” Her husband wouldn’t even let her pursue her master’s degree because he believed a woman didn’t need that much education to be significant. I felt deeply for my sister, knowing how much she desired it and how intelligent she was. Yet, a man vetoed her dreams simply because he was the head of the household, and nothing could happen without his approval.

In August 2014, we tied the knot in the church where I had spent my childhood. It was a joyful day for me, not just because of my beautiful gown or the supportive crowd, but because I felt confident in my choice of partner, and everything about him confirmed that.

The wedding preparations served as a period of confirmation for me. I observed how far he would go to impose his will on me, but he never made a decision without asking, “Do you think this is a good idea?” Whenever I proposed something he disagreed with, he would say, “I thought this approach would work, but if you believe your way is better, let’s give it a try.” I got most of them right, though I made a few mistakes. He would laugh when things didn’t go as planned, but he was always there to help fix it—no judgment involved. He made mistakes too.

A month after we got married, a close friend of mine—who was my maid of honor—asked me, “How’s married life?” I replied, “I’m not sure. The only difference is that we live together now. Everything else feels pretty much the same.” She pressed further, “So, are you enjoying it?” Her expression suggested she was suspicious, perhaps thinking something was amiss. I told her, “We just started, and so far, so good. He goes to work, I go to work, we come home, eat, watch TV, talk, have sex, and sleep. Nothing serious.”

But there was something I didn’t share with her. I felt it was better to keep it to myself, or perhaps I worried that my husband’s behavior was just a phase of our new marriage and would soon change. I didn’t want to tell her one thing today and then have to retract it tomorrow. One thing I noticed about him was how he cleaned up after himself. He never left things out of place. He would wake up, make the bed, tidy the living room before getting ready for work. It was his way of showing me how he liked things done. I started doing the same, and when he saw me, he would tease, “Why are you stealing my work? Go find your own.”

I didn’t know how to operate a washing machine because my family never had one. He did, so on weekends, he would wake up first, load the machine with his dirty clothes, and wash them. He would then ask for mine and wash those too. I told him that was my responsibility, but he insisted, “That’s the machine’s job, not yours.” For months, he never taught me how to use it. I had to Google it and learn on my own. So, washing became the task of whoever woke up first. His alarm went off at 6:00 AM on weekends, so I set mine for 5:00 AM to ensure I could wake up first and do the laundry.

One early morning, I woke up to find he wasn’t beside me. I thought he might have gone to the bathroom, so I went back to sleep until my alarm rang. When I checked the time, it was 7:00 AM. I went outside and found he had already done the laundry. He burst out laughing when he saw me. That’s when I realized he had changed my alarm to 7:00 AM so he could wake up before me.

My husband wasn’t a great cook, but he always wanted to try. He would watch me in the kitchen, learning how I prepared meals, but when left to cook on his own, things often went awry something would burn or be forgotten. Sometimes we forced ourselves to eat his cooking to avoid wasting food. He would say, “As long as we haven’t died after eating my food, I must be doing something right.”

People often say that husbands start off doing everything right and then stop when you need them the most. That saying worried me. I didn’t want my husband to change—I was afraid of who he might become if he did. We were like two halves of a whole, rarely apart. Because of this, I got to know almost all of his colleagues and friends. I don’t have many friends, but the few I do have, he knows well.

I know the passwords to his phones and computer; he said, “So if I were to pass away unexpectedly, you can access what needs to be accessed.”

That’s not to say we haven’t had our disagreements. Our first fight was about a girl I felt was intruding on our relationship. I didn’t think he was cheating, but I didn’t like how she was all over him. It made me uncomfortable, so I brought it up. He misunderstood my concerns and thought I was accusing him of infidelity. He was upset about my lack of trust, but I appreciated that he allowed me to clarify my feelings. We’ve had many disagreements—over food, finances, clothing choices, where to place a flower pot, and who last had the TV remote. When we go to bed angry, the one who is upset has to initiate the cuddle.

This has been our dynamic for the past six years. No assigned roles; we collaborate to improve our home and enrich our lives. After two kids, the changes I was warned about in men have yet to occur. The only thing that has changed is his cooking, which has improved significantly to the point where he can now prepare meals for the entire household. Interestingly, now that I have some years of experience, no one asks me how married life is.

But if someone were to ask me someday, I would say that married life is what you make of it, starting with the partner you choose. I don’t know what the future holds for us there may be challenges ahead but I believe that whatever comes our way, we have the right tools and resources to handle it.

—Kuukua
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