Before They Will Allow Me To Marry Her Parents Are Asking For A Piece Of The Moon

If everything had gone as planned, we would be married by now. We aimed to tie the knot in December 2020. She mentioned, “Getting married now is easier than ever because of Covid. We can meet our pastor today, and by tomorrow, we’ll be married. Let’s take advantage of this opportunity.” I replied, “That’s a great idea, but it all depends on your parents now. I can’t meet their demands. If I try, we’ll start our marriage in debt, and I don’t want that. Please talk to them and see if they can lower their expectations. If they do, I’ll meet them so we can marry as soon as possible.” She responded, “I’ve told you, let’s marry without them. They’re starting to annoy me.” I said, “We should give respect where it’s due. If you can get some family elders to intervene, they might reconsider.”

Here’s what transpired…

In June 2020, I visited Afi’s parents with my family. Our goal was straightforward: to perform the knocking rite and obtain the dowry list so we could prepare for our wedding before December 2020. That day, they welcomed us warmly and accepted our proposal. After going through the traditions, we requested the list. Her father said, “I’m sorry, we couldn’t compile everything in time. Please give us another week, and we’ll present the list to you.” In my mind, I thought, “A whole week for a list?” Little did I know what was coming. He said one week, but it took them ten days to send the list. My father opened it and laughed after reviewing it. He remarked, “It seems your in-laws think you’re the son of Dangote or even Dangote himself.”

I took the list and reviewed it again, thinking it must be a mistake. I called Afi to ask if she had seen it. She replied, “No, they didn’t show it to me.” I took a photo and sent it to her. She exclaimed, “No, this can’t be from my parents. There must be a mistake.” I urged her to talk to them to correct whatever the error was. Two days later, Afi came to me and said, “It wasn’t a mistake. They intended to include everything on that list.” I asked, “Including the four goats?” She confirmed, “Yes, they meant it, but they’re joking. You won’t have to buy anything for them. If they decide to oppose us, we’ll marry without them.”

I spoke to my father and an elder in our family to accompany me to Afi’s parents’ house to plead with them to lower the demands. When we arrived, her father greeted us with an angry expression. We noticed the tension but pressed on. My father initiated the conversation, saying, “We received the list you sent. We’re here to acknowledge it and plead with you to reduce the items. These two young people are trying to start their lives together. We shouldn’t create obstacles that make it harder for them. We’re asking you to reconsider.”

Her father replied, “Young people don’t marry. If he’s young and not ready, he can come back later when he is. Furthermore, we’re not pleased with what he told our daughter about the list. That was a clear disrespect that should be addressed.” We apologized and pleaded with him to reconsider. His final words were, “Everything on the list is equally important. We can’t do without any of it. You have time. Go prepare and come back again.”

When I relayed her father’s response to Afi, she became furious and started crying. She said, “I don’t blame that man; I blame my mother for giving him a second chance in our lives. Do you know he never took care of me?” I asked, “How so?” She explained, “He left when I was young, traveling without telling my mom or any family member. I was in my first year of university when he returned, sick. My mom forgave him, took him in, and helped him recover. Now he’s here with this ridiculous list.”

When Afi returned home, she made things worse. She confronted them and declared that we would marry without their consent. The unfortunate part is that when Afi speaks to them, they blame me, thinking I prompted her. Whenever Afi argued with them, they became more resolute about not reducing the list. Afi invited some family members to speak on our behalf. After they finished pleading, her father stated, “You all should wait until your daughter finishes university so you can give her away properly, but not me.”

Afi was present and retorted, “Where were you when I was in university?” Her father became angry and left the discussion. We had done everything we could, but they remained firm on the list. In March this year, my father suggested I give up on the marriage and start looking for another woman. I think the back-and-forth has exhausted him. I assured him we would resolve it soon.

Now, it feels personal. Her father has given me enough reasons to believe he simply doesn’t want me to marry his daughter. His actions and words during our encounters confirm this. The last time my mother pulled me aside and said, “Ansah, we should abandon this marriage. If her father agrees today, I won’t be happy because our relationship has already soured. He is disrespectful, and I don’t respect him either. Nothing will change that, so let’s give up and look elsewhere.”

Starting over isn’t easy. Afi is a wonderful person. I’ve shared so much with her, and I’m convinced she’s the one. The issue lies with her parents. I told my mom, “We have until the end of this year to resolve things. If they don’t agree, we’ll marry without them.” My mom exclaimed, “That’s an abomination! You can’t do that anywhere. A marriage like that will be fraught with danger. Don’t even think about it.”

Now we’re both confused. My parents want me to back out, while her parents are using tactics to thwart us. I wish I could share the list here, but I’m wary of who might read this. If they find out I’ve published something like this, it could spell the end for us, so I’m being cautious. To put things in perspective, everything on the list amounts to a staggering GHc40,670. Where will I find that money? Our wedding plans wouldn’t even cost half of that. Yet, a father and mother are doing everything in their power to deny us the love we deserve.

If I obey my parents, the marriage won’t happen. If Afi obeys hers, it won’t happen either. We’re at our wit’s end. We’ve involved everyone we thought could help, but nothing has changed. I want to know, where do we go from here? Marrying her without her parents’ involvement isn’t an option because my own parents wouldn’t honor such a wedding. What should we do?

–Ansah

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