Good Girls Get Left Too, But They Never Stay Lost

I didn't start dating until later in life. I was 22 when I met Nonso, a wonderful guy who knew how to treat a woman right. He had a way with words that made it easy for me to say yes, and he knew exactly how to make me desire him even more.

We had agreed to wait until marriage to have sex, but our emotions got the better of us, and we crossed that line. He reassured me, saying, “You don’t need to worry about losing your virginity to me. I’m your man for life, and this will show how much you love me.” I thought, “If that’s what it takes to prove my love, why not?”

A year or two later, after I had built my hopes and dreams around him, he left me. I sensed it coming. I asked him questions, and he kept assuring me that everything was fine and that love would find a way. But love never did. He jilted me.

He often told me, “You’re a good girl, and you deserve someone better than me. Someone with a brighter future.” I replied, “I’m not complaining about who you are, and I’ve never asked you to change. You are enough for me, and I’m content.”

Nothing I said could change his mind. He grew distant, giving me the silent treatment and eventually avoiding me altogether. My only mistake was being a good girl.

Then Ike approached me. He was a friend who later expressed interest in me. I shared my experience with Nonso and how he left me for being a good girl. “He’s a loser; don’t worry about him,” Ike said. “I’m glad he’s gone. It’s the universe’s plan for us to be together, which is why Nonso couldn’t stay.”

I was drawn to Ike for his intellect. He was smart and had answers to all my questions. Plus, he had a good job and spoke confidently about his future plans. We started dating.

From the beginning, he seemed perfect, and I felt I had to be a good girl again because he deserved my best. I gave him my all.

One Christmas, he took me to meet his family. His mother was kind, and his father tried to be supportive. But after that visit, something changed…

Ike began missing my calls and rarely returned them. When I finally reached him, he offered work-related excuses, saying, “It’s been hectic at the office; I barely have time to breathe.” I told myself it was just a phase.

But this phase dragged on until I decided I had enough. One evening, I confronted him about the change in his behavior. He replied, “My dad doesn’t think we can make it together. He’s not a fan of your tribe and insists I shouldn’t marry someone from it.”

I had spent two years with a man only to be disqualified based on something I had no control over? I asked to meet his father, but he refused, believing it would only make things worse. In the end, he said, “I’m sorry it has to end this way. I don’t want to waste your time any longer. You’re a good girl. Sooner or later, the right man will find you.”

“Good girl,” that’s all I got, but unfortunately, being a good girl didn’t pay off.

I moved on.

Then Emma came along, but he left for someone new. There was Josh, who left because I wouldn’t have sex with him. And then there was Nkem, who could lie like a pro. He would look deep into my eyes and assure me he was telling the truth. I liked his charm, but before I could fall for him, his girlfriend found out about us and confronted us.

Just when I had given up on love, Ade entered my life. He was a doctor I consulted at the hospital. He was thorough and attentive, ensuring he understood my condition for an accurate diagnosis. As I was leaving his office, he gave me his number, asking me to call if I had any adverse reactions to the medication.

I didn’t react negatively and recovered quickly, so I didn’t call him. Months later, I had to return to the hospital and called to schedule an appointment. I was feeling worse, but he checked on me and provided additional prescriptions until I was well. We became friends and eventually started dating.

Dating him was easy because he made everything simple. After a year together, things improved with each passing day. He proposed that we start planning for marriage, and we set timelines. “If all goes well, we’ll have a traditional wedding in a year and follow it with a white wedding,” he said.

From that point on, my mind was consumed with thoughts of marriage. I was thirty, and I felt it was time.

Then things changed!

He stopped calling as frequently, didn’t answer my calls, and didn’t see me as often. Despite this, I made sure to be there for him, not to pressure him but to support him while giving him the space he needed. He claimed his job was getting hectic, with some doctors on leave, leaving him to handle more cases.

Throughout it all, I was the one reaching out. Sometimes he would answer, and sometimes he wouldn’t. One day, I decided not to call until he reached out first. Days passed, but Ade never called. That’s when I realized it was more than just a busy job.

I waited at his house all day until he returned late in the evening. I said, “Ade, we need to talk. It’s been four days, and you seem indifferent. What’s going on?” We were approaching our planned wedding date, but I didn’t mention it. I wanted to understand what he was dealing with first.

He confessed, “I’ve kept something from you that you need to know. I’m sterile. I can’t father a child. I’ve sought the best medical care, but my condition hasn’t improved. I don’t want to lead you on, hoping for a miracle that may never come. If you can wait while I seek a cure, fine, but if you can’t, please find another man.”

“You can’t have kids? But we’ve been intimate, and you do it so well. Why can’t you get me pregnant?” I asked. “I can perform, but it won’t result in pregnancy,” he replied. I said, “If there’s a chance for a cure, let’s find it together.” He refused, unsure of how long it would take. Then he dropped the classic line: “You’re a good girl; you deserve better. You deserve a family, but that can’t happen with me.”

Nothing I said could change Ade’s mind. So, it ended there, just like the others.

Six months later, Ade married another woman who had returned from abroad. Today, they have three children together. Ade, who claimed he couldn’t have kids, now has three.

About a year after his wedding, he called me, trying to make amends. I was polite and assured him I was fine. From then on, he called almost every day, suggesting outings and hangouts. I agreed, but one night at dinner, he tried to flirt with me, saying, “I’m sorry for how things turned out, but you’re the one I truly love.” I understood; he wanted me as his side chick. I shook my head and left him at the table.

Nonso wanted me back while I was dating Ike. He acted like I was his lifeline. Ike also wanted to return when I was with Emma or Nkem; I can’t remember. At some point, Emma wanted to come back and make things right. All of them left me and later sought to return. Strangely, it was only when I had moved on and was enjoying life that they wanted to come back.

So I wonder, why do men leave only to return later? They leave good girls and bad girls alike. They leave those they sleep with and those who won’t sleep with them. They leave women from their own tribes and those from others. When they decide to leave, any reason is enough for them to go.

But I’m grateful for one thing: they didn’t leave because I was bad for them. They left simply because they wanted to. Through it all, I’ve learned that men often don’t know what will make them stay until they find something that seems worth it. And when they do stay, they often look back and realize what they’ve lost and wish they could have a second chance.

But hey, men, you can’t have your cake and eat it too!

-Efemena  
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