The Life of A Married Man Changed Mine

At 21, my sexual encounters list has five men, whom I regret each of his calling my friends. I assure you, unless you judge first, that there was no plan at all to get into this mess. Of all, the last guy among them was the one who forced me to rethink my life choices. I got to know how far I had gone from my real being and what my desires were. The only thing I longed for was a person who I would be able to say is my home.

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During that period, I was a stranger to the concept of love. My understanding was that love could be gained through just being the person with the least demands in respect to desires of my boyfriend. If he wanted one thing and I wanted the opposite, I would still not say no. I made myself believe that if I made him happy he would not only come but would also stay forever, but when I failed to learn my lessons the guy just kept neglecting my needs.

I had the power to bring about my whole re-telling; but of course, it was not going to work. Today, I am yours; tomorrow, you are somebody else's. The insecurity very much upset me, but I was still the one who thought that if I loved him enough he would learn to love me back too. Instead, he took me as a matter of course.

The other men came wanting me during our relationship. Many I rejected but after all I am human. With the man who made me feel like I was the only one in the world I felt very lonely, but at the same time I did not want to be alone. So, I opened up to other men thinking that i might find the one who could bring me joy and help me get out of this toxic relationship.

Mistakenly, I charged. It all didn’t turn out that way. The guys I met were just like the previous ones. Sadly I came to this realization too late, when I had already had sexual intercourse with them. It wasn’t that I dated all of them at once; rather it was like I was so desperate that I could not give the first one a chance so I went on to the next who also ended up getting the same fate. That is how I found myself with five men.

I really hoped it would be the case, each time saying to myself, “Who knows, maybe this place will be the one. This one is the most comfortable.” All of them proved me wrong. They all left one after another at their own pace, and I, like the last time, lost even more.

Then, there was a guy who ruptura all my pieces into little bits. He had got a wife, and I was the last to know it. I guess that if I were more in sync with men’s ways of acting, I would have detected the red flags, but that was not the case. He seemed like such a good luck for me. He was polite, sensible, and open to communication, paying attention to me the way no one else had.

My heart was all in thinking that I had at last met the one who would be patient with my feelings and who would take care of my soul. I became less of a stranger, and we soon got emotionally involved.

A few days after that, I unknowingly encountered the fact in an untimely manner. While I was going through my Facebook feed, a suggestion popped up in the “People You May Know” section. One woman’s account was there, and the man with whom I had just been in a physical relationship was on her profile, coming out of what seemed to be a wedding photo with her, smiling. My heart just dropped.

I lurked on her page and came across a lot more of their shots together, wedding photos, and anniversary raisings.

At that very moment, I was so confused that I didn’t know if I should scream for not being able to stand it any longer or cry for losing hope. I was just sitting there with my hands on my face, looking at the screen, and not moving. It was then that I took a step back in my life. I made up my mind to improve myself so that the same thing would never happen to me again.

Speaking of the married guy, I didn’t face him. I just blocked him off. When he attempted to reach me through another number, I shut that door too. I just couldn’t stand listening to the justifications. I was in tears for several days—not solely due to that guy but also because I saw the picture of the cycle I had been going round in: love in the wrong places, broken situations and faulty decisions.

I tiptoed out of my flawed relationship without anyone noticing me. There was no drama, no fighting—only silence and the acknowledgment that the relationship had come to an end.

It's been a year since I had my awakening. I have been a whole year with no romantic relationships or intimacy whatsoever. It has been hard, and I cannot deny it. Sometimes I feel like I need someone. But whenever I think about my journey and how much I have advanced, I would say so. I can see the healing. I see a woman who is unlearning that love means asking for validation or proving one's worth.

I am not completely healed yet, but I am no longer broken the same way I used to be. I have discovered that sometimes our downfall is not a sign of weakness but rather of us looking for something we have never been given.

I am telling you my story because I believe there is another young woman somewhere who is on the same journey that I was, probably feeling guilty, ashamed, and lost. Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself. Often growth comes through the hardest lessons. You can always reverse the direction of your life no matter how far you have fallen. It is never too late for a change.

- Getrude

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