When Silence Turns to My Husband’s Superpower

My spouse uses the silent treatment as his method of communication. The first month of our marriage was marked by a misunderstanding between us. I wanted to talk it over, but he wouldn’t have it. That night he chose to sleep on the floor. I thought that by morning he would be in a better mood and we would be able to argue things out. That was not the case; he kept ignoring me.

FOLLOW US ON WHATSAPP CHANNEL TO GET EVERY STORY IN YOUR INBOX

This silence went on for quite a few days. While he was not talking to me, he was telling the world about our problems in the internet, on WhatsApp, Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok. It was a very painful experience for me. I tried to pry open his lips, but he was very firm. Finally, out of desperation, I resorted to calling a third party, and we were eventually able to clear the matter.

Unfortunately, this scenario kept repeating itself. Each time we had a fight, he would blow me off, and sleep on the floor, and I would not get any affection until we had sorted the matter out. The floor has claimed his presence more nights than our bed.

For some reason, this issue can only be settled with the help of counselors or some third parties. Since the day we got married, we have never handled our conflicts by ourselves; I always have to call someone else for him to feel free to express his emotions.

The manner in which he acts makes me feel like the dictator of the relationship. I was taught that women usually put too much thought into problems while men do the opposite, but my husband seems to be the main one keeping resentments. I have gone through the whole crying and pleading routine, but nothing has changed. He would rather express his feelings to his friends than to me.

I have caught glimpses of his chats with friends, and the things he says about me are so painful to hear. When he is not chatting with them, he is posting negative things about me on social media. The therapists have told him to cut it off, but he still continues. I have had to unfollow him on all social media and even block him on WhatsApp sometimes to keep my sanity.

Another thing that bothers me is his approach to finances. Right from the start of our marriage, I could see that he was trying to have a say in my spending. He would go ahead and use my money with no prior approval, even giving someone Ksh 5000 for a substandard job because I was the one paying.

There was a time he called me when I was at work. He hardly ever calls, so I assumed it was something critical. Rather, he asked me to send him money for fuel. I exploded with rage. This is what my life has become; I am now quick to anger because of him, which is a complete reversal of my pre-marriage character.

He gives the impression of being apathetic to everything except those things that have a direct impact on him. He shows no concern for my health and has, in fact, become a source of stress. The number of gifts he gives me is quite rare, and when he does, he first asks me for the money.

He is always very moody when the topic is money. “You know I am broke, so what’s the point of me paying for this?” “I don’t have enough to spend; let’s use your money.” Then he talks on and on till I yield and pay. I cannot fathom why he is so diligent in his budgeting but is still so unscrupulous with mine, especially since he is getting a nice paycheck.

The psychological pressure from his silent treatment, gaslighting, and blame-shifting has made me an angry woman.

He has turned into a demand-silent. He never admits to being wrong and does not apologize; I am the one to blame in his eyes. If he did something wrong, he would say, “It’ s your fault. I wouldn’t have done it if it weren’t for you.” To him, I am the source of all our problems.

We have been living apart for the past eight months. He says he has good reasons for moving out, but I feel deserted. He comes over once a week, but during the time we're not together, we don't talk. He hardly ever calls or responds to my calls. When he does text, it is only to check if there is food at home for him.

I'm at a point where I am sure that he doesn't want to be my husband anymore. I know that marriage includes good and bad, but I regret having a husband like him. I simply wish he and his whole existence had never been in my life. How is it possible for him to consider our relationship that of just dating after he had asked me for marriage? Would it be unfair if I decided to walk away from him? 

In addition, I would like to address the issue of women being criticized for their husbands' remarks about being quick-tempered. I don't want to blame them but, sometimes, husbands say things and make the wives go through such experiences that they cannot help but be changed to the worse. So let us be kind and tolerant in our judgments. 

—Idris

This story was shared with us by someone like you. If you have a story too, send it via email: editorial@etechx.co.ke.

Thanks for reading! If you have enjoyed this post, hit the share button and help others read it. You can also visit our Facebook page and stay updated when we publish new posts.