When Every Choice Seems to Be a Mistake

My story begins with a dad who came back home every night and his hands were tired. On some nights, those very hands brought us nothing but porridge, but they were always hands of honor. They were the ones who taught me about labor's worth and the less important but still crucial to life aspect of family.

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I was once a person who thought that there was nothing that education could not change in our lives. But the day I failed my Form 4 exams, I almost lost my faith. Then a church family saw in me a potential which I did not see in myself. They were with me until I triumphed, until I got that letter of acceptance for the diploma in business management. I treasured that letter as if it were a ticket to a new start.

However, tickets need money to be purchased. I saw how my dreams at Level 5 were left incomplete and all of a sudden I was not anymore while the others were going up. By thirty, one is supposed to be building something nice and meaningful, however, I was there just looking at my ground fall.

The strength of my desperation for change was such that I tried my hand at different businesses. At the beginning , some of them gave hope but each time the wrong persons got my trust and so we failed. For these ventures, I took loans; some of the people simply ran away with the money, while others just wasted it.

The debts kept adding up making it very difficult for me to cope. When my family found out they sold our only agricultural land to help me out but even this was not enough to clear all my debts.

Then I proceeded to take a brave step. My brother-in-law came to me with yet another business offer which looked very attractive. I resolved to borrow a huge sum of money in my name. When the project failed, I was the one who had to bear entire the responsibility and the guilt.

Our door being knocked on insistently was such a nuisance to my mother that she decided to quit. So, I did what I thought was the only possible solution: I left home to guard it. I am now in another place looking for a job and trying to send money home.

There are days when I look back at my whole situation and wonder what I did wrong. The weight of my choices feels to me like the biggest debt one could have, the worst kind of financial debt. But then I think of my father’s hands and my mother’s giving up our farm. They still believe that I can change the situation, and I must admit, I do too.

The reason I am doing this is that my hope is almost gone. I need a person who can give me a guarantee that it is possible to start fresh, even after one has fallen so low. The fact is that I am not only tired of failing but also tired of everyone being disappointed with me. Still, I am not going to give up. At least, not yet.

—Julius

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