The Wrinkled Life I Face In My Love Every Time

At some instance I feel lonely this is because am not in hurry to get into any relationship. This is because of some reason well know to me. I kept this so that I finish my degree first after a hurt break that left me a single mother. I carry all the burden of parenting alone. It’s a draining so much though I am grateful for the support that has been so lifting. In some instances, I get myself down and hope crumbled but still things got better when I do not expect.

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They say that beauty is fragment. Then what I know is that I am a woman who got the standard not just beauty tag. What I definitely like is that, first people have to be very close before depicting my beauty. From my instincts, I do declare the phrase,” I am not classic beauty but I still got my own extra ordinary appeal. “From perspective of men, I am good test for them this come since I attract their attention several. With some men we interact and others I ignore them.

I have been raised in a dysfunctional home. This is a scar that has not healed yet from a long-term relationship trouble. After a long period, I have been fighting with my own thoughts about stable family or relationship not believing that love and security was meant for me.

Nonetheless, at some instance I grew wiser and saw it differently. Life has got faces.  Life does not the same for everyone from time to time you can have the same views in one family and the opposite in another. After realizing this then it has shifted my perspective on what I can look forward to and I opened up to the possibility of being in a healthy relationship someday. This is my plan.

To be frank in some years back I was involved in romantic engagement with a guy who opened room for my curiosity. We had a somewhat intimate relationship but the situation got out of control and I ended up getting pregnant without even being serious. He admitted to the child being his but did not go beyond that in taking his part of the responsibility. This has been so hurting and breaking.

The man didn’t have to be unaccountable, then he was bright and full of potential rather he also very inactive and unmotivated. He was expecting the circumstances to become friend and lighter for him without any exertion and was not at all keen on creating something from nothing. This was the worst feeling ever.

We engaged in several talks about his behaviour but he was adamant in changing.  This made me try to leave the relationship to avoid more omens. A lack of goal is a huge turn-off for me. As a woman who has understood herself then I care about my tranquillity and being with a person who is not willing to put in effort in life drained me emotionally and mentally at all costs.

Note that I wouldn’t say that I loved him but I had enough affection to at least try all. As a person, I have not really understood what it is to be in love for anyone. In several instance I have convince myself that if the attraction is there physically then and the man meets most of my standards then we can make it work without any coerce. Personally, I am willing to get to know the person and grow together as a family. The thing is the relationship was over long before the baby’s birth

My kid is 5 years old Currently.  I have gone back to university to get my degree and I am not whining even though the boy's dad is totally not engaged in any way no help of any kind like child support. I am very appreciative for my family has been a great support.

Nevertheless, Currently I observe that I have no any patience for men. For the reason hidden, it seems that my essence is retreating from them. If it happens that I love one person then I lose interest very easy as soon. Even if I make a deliberate effort to keep talking to someone to boost it, the outcome is always the same. I have an emotional disconnection almost immediately after the start.

I have not been in any relationship since my son's father until this year. I have tried to communicate with other four different men but none of them went beyond the initial stage that is proposing. I would get close feel that something was not right and then disappear without any traces. Each time, I would find something that killed my interest then a remark, an attitude, a pattern or their way of communicating. Once that button is pressed in me there is no turning back even if something is good for me.

Most worries are knocking on me. To meet a good man, I am ready to date again. They do come my way but the problem is with me. I can’t figure out why I can’t pick someone or let myself get married. Maybe there is something wrong with me that I can’t see and my past has trapped me in a bondage.

I don’t know if anyone has gone through the same thing or if they know someone that has. I am lost as to how to stop this cycle thing. I want love, but something is still preventing me and I have no idea how to remove it.

—Everlie

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