The Secret That Broke Our Loyal Love

A week has passed since I last talked with my fiancée. She kept on calling and texting me, but I couldn't face her yet with the topic of my last visit to her place. It was such a scandalous experience, and I’m still taking it in as I’m writing down my thoughts. However, it has ruminated on my mind a lot.

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Let me put the dilemma in this way: I am a true and honest Christian. I try really hard to keep God’s commandments in my faith. Some times I do find it hard to not sinful, but self-control is one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit I have developed over the years. However, the issue of sexual sin is one of the main areas where I find it very hard to obey God.

I keep myself pure. My whole relationship with Veronica has been without any sexual contact—only friendship and no touches or talks about it. After all, the Bible states that "Bad company corrupts good character," so it’s the best not to think about the sins that we should be avoiding anyway.

Veronica, my future wife, said that she had never had a man. I trusted her completely. Before going into a romantic relationship with each other, we had talked about it and agreed that our faith would be the stronghold of our communication and I was sure we were on the same page value-wise.

I based my thinking on her that she would be a virgin until I put a ring on her finger. Unfortunately, I was wrong.

Veronica's sеx reluctance mаdе me feel inferior. I told her mу disapproval of thеsе talks а dozen times, but she still аctеd like she didn't understand my issues.

Shе was oftеn making it a point to bring this subject up.

I questioned her, “How can you say that as a Christian?” when she first mentioned it.

She just shrugged. “It’s not a big deal, right? We’re in love and we will be married soon, so no need to be concerned about that.”

"You make it sound so simple, but I am not able to do it. I am not going to spoil my relationship with God or the purity of my body."

Even with my discontent, she kept her ground. It took a long time, but I finally gave in. I was so weak that moment I did not notice how deeply I was getting into it. Kissing, petting and slowly getting to know each other's bodies was my deed. I rushed to stop before reaching the end.

Surprisingly, it took me a while to process the shock, and by that time guilt was already at my door.

“I’m sorry,” I said to her. “That was not what I wanted it to be.”

She looked as if it didn’t matter and responded, “There was nothing wrong with it. We just touched and were in sync with nature. It is very much human. Please don’t complicate it.”

And that was the end of our talk.

Not long ago, I just made a surprise trip to her home. Almost at her door, I could hear voices from her room. She seemed to be having a good time. I might be innocent, but I am still able to tell apart a person in pain from one having a good time.

Outside there were kids playing, so I asked one of them, “Who is she with?”

The little boy answered, “No one.”

When a neighbor saw that I didn't believe him, he added, “It’s true. Veronica is in her room all by herself. She is just like that.”

Still not convinced, I knocked very hard on her door as if I wanted to reveal her with someone.

She was really sweaty and breathing hard when she came to the door. “I knew that the lie was the reason,” I said, while pushing her and entering the house.

I was taken aback to find no one else there. Nevertheless, she was not totally alone. My fiancé was covered up with a very large silicone toy, and next to her “partner” was a bottle of lubricant. That was more than enough for me to understand that I had walked into an intimate moment.

I really don’t know which of the two choices was more difficult for me to take: the situation of her with a new man or her with a dildo. It was all so overwhelming for me; I just couldn’t talk about it, so I walked away without a word. I practically turned around and staggered home without being conscious of it. She’s been calling and texting me since then, but I’ve not replied because I really don’t have a clue what I should say.

As a religious person, is it sinful for me to leave the relationship? I used to see her as being very liberal with her explorations, but now I realize that her aim is still to be a virgin. This practice is totally against my principles.

-Godwin

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