The Church Interfered in the Marital Union

The day my husband’s pastor married us, I felt he was not a good man, and it was better to keep away from him. He touched on the subject of marriage, repeating the old-fashioned ideas that put the burden of success solely on me as a woman. But I decided to forgive him, thinking that this would be his only opportunity to influence our marriage.

I do not usually disclose my marital issues to others, so even from the beginning, when things started to go wrong, I attempted to express my concerns. The amount of time my husband spent at church each week was one of the biggest problems. As the leader of various committees, he had to be there from Monday to Sunday, first leaving work to go to church and then returning home late at night.

FOLLOW US ON WHATSAPP CHANNEL TO GET EVERY STORY IN YOUR INBOX

I said to him, "You are not the only man in the church. You have a family now. Cut back on some of your duties to create time for us." He answered that he would not let marriage get in the way of his relationship with God.

While I was in the hospital giving birth, he was at church attending a youth retreat. Only after hours did I see him, right after I had delivered, and my mother-in-law was by my side. I voiced my irritation to her, and she confronted him when he came to the hospital. He accused me of informing his mother about the matter and thus, betraying him.

My expectation was that our baby would bring about his transformation. Maybe he is not yet a husband but would eventually come to love fatherhood. I was wrong. He left me to handle all the house chores, and he would not even clean his own dishes. I said to him, “I sometimes need help around the house. You could assist with the laundry or hold the baby so I can have my hands free.”

He simply said that each time the baby made a sound, he was calling for breast milk, and since he was unable to give that he could not assist the baby. I could only truly have a good rest when his mother had come. Four years down the line with two children, nothing changed. When it came to him needing money, I covered him. We both knew that my salary was bigger hence he was expecting me to take care of certain financial aspects which I found fair, but he was not going to take part in anything since he considered it the man’s duty.

The pastor's wife was the first with whom I shared my marital problems when she inquired why I hardly came to church while my husband was there every time. I opened up completely, believing that her power could at least bring a little change in him. She recognized my worries and assured me that she would be dealing with them, which was a signal of hope to me.

One Sunday she told me to stay behind after service as there was going to be a meeting with my husband. When I saw that our Pastor was coming to us, I straight away understood that no solution was going to come out. The Pastor wanted me to tell him my worries again, but my husband kept interrupting me each time I tried to speak. Out of frustration, I finally said, “Are you going to let me speak?”

Our Pastor took a turn and said, “A wife is trying to usurp her husband's position; that is what I notice. The little disagreement I have seen here is a part of a bigger issue in your home.”

He painted the scenario of the worst wife saying that she made her husband do the house chores. “Why would you want your husband to do the chores? What is your role as a wife? Do you expect him to do the sweeping while you are in bed sleeping and then attend to you in bed? That is the nonsense you women of today learn from social media.”

He argued that it was not God’s intention for men to rise and lead and not bring their concern to the servant positions. Hence his wife sought to speak but he would not allow her.

After the meeting, he prayed for us, and after that, he told us to go back home and keep playing husband and wife.

That day, I resolved not to go to church anymore. I only tolerated the meeting because of the respect I had towards his wife. I told my husband, “I am no longer a member of your church if this is what your pastor thinks about marriage.” He inquired, “You are leaving because he told you the truth?” I answered, “I am leaving because a man like him might spoil our marriage.”

I stayed away from church for more than four months. The pastor’s wife called me to find out the reason for my absence. I valued her too much to reveal the truth, and thus, I told her that I was occupied with work and school but would be back shortly. My husband had already notified the pastor about my non-attendance, and one day, the pastor’s wife insisted on my going to church.

I went to church with my husband, and during the service he told me that we would meet with them afterward. The pastor asked the reason why I was not coming. I knew that my husband had revealed everything, so I felt no need to give false testimony. I told the pastor, “I do not come to church because I have quit the church. I am in search of a place that teaches a better concept of marriage.”

He got furious and starting shouting again, pointing at my generation and social network trends as culprits. He cautioned me that if I was not cautious enough, the devil would use me to destroy the marriage. “Why can’t you share a church with your husband? Don’t you know that it’s a sin to be unequally yoked?”

While the pastor’s wife was begging me, the pastor was treating me like a little kid. I repeated: “I’m no longer part of the church. You may keep my husband here as he enjoys it so much. This is the only place he is commended for being a bad husband and father.”

The minister gazed at my spouse and uttered, “This is why I always tell men to pray hard about their wedding partner. I don’t think you did that, Dave. Nevertheless, it’s not too late for God. We pray again.” My reply was, “Wei…” and I turned my back.

Nowadays, I don’t complain about his attitude anymore. He appears to be happy with the role of husband and father he has taken up. I, on the other hand, do not get mad; instead, I do what I can when I can and leave the rest for another day. It is not that I am being a lazy person intentionally due to his character; rather, I am just wisely choosing my battles. I prepare his meals in a way that there is something left in the fridge. He can heat it and eat when he is hungry.

The other day he came to me asking for money. I told him that it was not a battle I could fight, so he should go and seek help somewhere else. I kept my cool, did not ask any questions, and did not raise any objections. If my God supplies my needs according to His riches, then the one he worships should be able to do the same for him. I cannot remember when we last had a quarrel. I have come to the conclusion that my problem was placing too high expectations on him as a husband. When I lowered my expectations, there was harmony, but I do not think he is happy. That is a problem for him to cope with.

—Anna

This story was shared with us by someone like you. If you have a story too, send it via email: editorial@etechx.co.ke.

Thanks for reading! If you have enjoyed this post, hit the share button and help others read it. You can also visit our Facebook page and stay updated when we publish new posts.