Stuck in a Relationship Based on Dominance

I am married for six years now, but to be honest, it feels like I have imprisoned myself in a cell that I built. I dated my husband Alex for about three years before we got married. He was charming, very protective, and caring but at the same time very insecure. He kept on asking me about my location, my acquaintances, and the things I was doing. If I didn't respond to his call within two rings, he would accuse me of cheating. At that time, I thought it was just a sign that he loved me very much.

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Later, I met Kojo, a man who was very flirtatious with me and although he was rich, that was not what attracted me. I know this is going to sound weird but my cheating was a way of getting to know the other side of the coin. I was ready to feel what it was like to be with a person who trusted me with his whole heart and mind, who didn’t spy on me, and who appreciated me. Just one night was enough to break everything with Kojo.

When Alex found out, I prepared for him to leave me. He shouted, “Why did you do it? Was it because he was rich?” I only shook my head, and tears flowed down my cheeks. He gravely asked, “Was he bigger? Bigger than me?” I muttered through my bawling, “How would you like me to say that? I am really sorry. I don’t know what got into me. It was only curiosity, believe me.”

We both wept and he affirmed he had forgiven me. I took that to be love. I thought that if he was going to stick around after being betrayed, it meant he really loved me. Therefore, when he popped the question two years later, I said yes. I intended to let him know I was ready to turn my back on my past and commit to a future where he was going to be the only one for me. But I was oblivious to the fact of what I was getting myself into.

After our marriage, I started to see tiny black dots in several places in the house. At first, I considered them smoke detectors, but later I learned that they were CCTV cameras which Alex had placed all over the house, even in the kitchen. I chose not to say anything, hoping to avoid a new quarrel.

From that moment on, things only got worse.

More often than not, I would see the same motorcycle behind me when I was going to work. I thought it was sheer luck until one day I told the taxi I was riding in to take another route. The biker was right behind the taxi and I could tell he was staring at me through his helmet.

That night I spoke to Alex about it and he said, “Possibly it is just your imagination, Benewaa. You have been acting a bit suspicious lately.” On another occasion, I found out that he had put a listening device on my phone. All my talks were being overheard, including the ones with my mom. And the worst thing, it didn’t end there.

When our baby was born, Alex had the child go through a paternity DNA test which he did secretly. I discovered the results months later when looking through the child’s small bag. I didn’t even have it in me to challenge him. I kept telling myself, “That’s the cost of infidelity.”

He repeated the same thing with our second child another DNA test. Every time, he would say, “I don’t mean to doubt you; I just want to be sure.” I can’t live freely in my own house. A camera follows my every move. He hears me out and spies on my friends. It is sometimes that the feeling of being under a microscope overwhelms me. The worst part is that he thinks this is love. I wouldn't be surprised if he were keeping tabs on this story that I am writing.

A week ago, I got up at around 2 a.m. and saw that my husband was not in the bed. Eventually, I found him in the hallway with a very serious face, going through my phone intently. That's when I...

Initially, I thought I was receiving divine punishment for my unfaithfulness. But, now I see it different; God is not punishing me rather, I am possessed. I am not a mere wife anymore; every night I am a suspect that is sleeping next to her interrogator.

Thus, I have chosen to finish the marriage before it overtakes me. I will need a distance of very far from my house before I will be able to declare my intention to divorce him. My mother is aware of my predicament. She opines that I should not be concerned if I have nothing to conceal. She said to me, “He has not hurt you up to now because you have been a good wife. Why not continue being one?”

She is in a position to ask that because she has never experienced the feeling of being under constant watch or that of being followed simply for going outside. She also calls it love. “A man should love you to that extent that he would do all that,” she asserts, “you should not be frightened.”

I have given myself till December. I will not reveal my schemes or go into detail, but the result will be my liberation not just for me, but also for my offspring. No matter how bad one's sin may be, a person must not live in prison because of a past mistake.

If I were given a second chance, I would never commit adultery. Not because of remorse, but because no error or curiosity is worth the dangers of losing oneself. I have realized that at times forgiveness is not real; it is just a mask for control. He took me to his house so that he could control who I was. But this is not the end. Rather, it is just a step in the journey. This too will be over soon.

—Benewaa

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