Should Love Be Governed by a Contract?

I am 41 years old, and, for whatever reason, life seems to take delight in making my love life a fun prank. It is often said that at my age, I would be the one to consider marriage, children, cars, and all the "grown man" responsibilities that come with it. A person who loves me but expends the same intensity of love would be my only desire. Alas, it appears my heart is treated with indifference by all the young women I get to meet.

FOLLOW US ON WHATSAPP CHANNEL TO GET EVERY STORY IN YOUR INBOX

I still find myself being attracted to women in their twenties not to control or dominate anyone nor because I feel weaker than ladies from the previous generation. It is purely because I feel young inside me. I admire their vivacity, adventurous spirit, and the way they take life with excitement and infinite opportunities. A girl in her twenties does not hold the laughter back, loves without limits, and dreams loudly. I cannot resist it. It might be a flaw but it's a flaw that I like.

Age is not the matter; it's just that girls who go for me don't do it because of who I am, rather, it's because of what they can get from me. My money is what they are after.

I have always been a giver. My upbringing was such that I was taught to be accountable, to take care, and to secure. So, when it comes to a woman, I, by nature, become a liberal. If she runs out of airtime, I send it her way. If she is stuck, I come to her rescue. If a meal is due, I have food sent her way. Giving care to someone feels quite remarkable.

But it was on the first date with a 22-year-old girl that opened my eyes to bitter truth.

Her name was Serwaa. She had a grin so lovely that it wiped away your very own name. Initially, she seemed to be mad about me, sending me nightly texts and inquiring about my day. I considered myself to have finally met a rare someone.

However, after two months of this, she began to signal her "requirements."

“Babe, I’m really interested in a short course.”
“Darling, my rent is going to be paid.”
“Darling, my mother is not feeling well.”

All three were equally sincere and pressing.

Out of my concern for her, I provided assistance in every possible way. And guess what? As soon as her rent was paid, she said to me, “You are a good guy, but the difference in our ages is an obstacle for me.”

It was a total surprise. No guilt, no doubt. It was like a script. Just when I was about to absorb it, she left.

The next girl, Adwoa, disappeared immediately after I had bought her a new phone.

Then there came one more, a final year student at Legon. She never failed to complain about not getting enough money for handouts and about her housemates looking down on her. I thought of giving her the money and the nice things just to make her situation better. I even made a friend of her roommate to let her feel that she was supported. On the day that she received what she wanted, she told the roommate, the same one she had said was judging her, “He’s a nice guy, but I can’t be with him long term. His age.” The roommate told me.

Oh, life!

Following these incidents, I made the decision to take a break and reevaluate my life. As I was slowly getting used to the idea of having a break, Mabel came along. She is 25, but everything feels different with her. She is an adult, listens to me, and communicates with me as if she really cares about me being there. She’s not the kind of person who suddenly disappears or constantly asks for money; she doesn’t see my finances as her lifeline.

We laugh a lot. She has introduced me to her mother and even visits her once in a while. She’s aware when I’m under pressure and why when I’m not talking. She’s just delightful.

After a long time, I think I am not only the person who is the only one seeing me. But now there is a storm cloud over me. Two weeks ago, she spoke about returning to college to complete her degree. Given her financial troubles, she cannot pay the tuition fees by herself. She asked, politely and with respect, if I could give her a hand.

In an instant, my brain was bombarded by pictures of earlier traumas: Serwaa, Adwoa, the Legon girl. Women encroaching, stealing, and vanishing. I’m frightened. I do not want to lose her. I do not want to misjudge her. But I also do not want to pay for someone’s existence only for them to leave me when they are stable. I have gone through this too many times; I have absorbed my lessons. So, I replied to her, “Give me time to think it over.”

And right now I am in that space, considering. A part of me is sure her intentions are sincere. Her spirit is soft compared to the others. She is neither in a hurry nor putting pressure on me; she only asked, and then she said I should help only if I really want to. But another part of me is yelling, “Kwaku, don’t let it happen again!” Now comes the fun part. I had a word with a buddy regarding the situation, and he advised me, “Dude, if she wants you to pay for her studies, then go ahead and make a contract. Have it be legally binding. If she walks out on you, then she has to compensate you.”

A contract? For love?

Initially, I found it funny. However, after a moment, I paused and started to think, “If I draft a contract with my girlfriend, can it be enforced in court?” Love is not business. But, in this country, if you are not careful, love can become a no return investment. Thus, I am here, perplexed, scared, and drained. I am sick of going through the same cycle over and over. I am sick of pouring my heart out and getting heartache in return. I want to assist her, but at the same time, I want to take care of myself. Therefore, I turn to you for advice: should I assist her? Should I prepare some kind of legal document to make sure I am not unappreciated again? Or should I just quit and secure my money and heart? To be honest, at the age of 41, I don’t believe my heart is strong enough to go through another break.

—K.B. N

This story was shared with us by someone like you. If you have a story too, send it via email: editorial@etechx.co.ke.

Thanks for reading! If you have enjoyed this post, hit the share button and help others read it. You can also visit our Facebook page and stay updated when we publish new posts.