My Pastor’s Daughter Made Me Regret Impregnating

As a young pastor and leader of one of the subdivisions of the most influential churches in Ghana, my ministry was thriving. With the financial help of a state bank, I was able to air sermons on radio stations. Within the first two years of my branch, the building of a church auditorium was completed, and I was already recognized among the pastors in my area. My future looked bright.

But I made a really big mistake that would ultimately cost me my ministry when I got involved with the daughter of one of my senior pastors, leading to an unexpected pregnancy.

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It all started at the time when I was going to the same branch as my senior pastor and his wife, who is also a pastor. I had a close relationship with my pastor’s wife; she was always checking on me and genuinely caring about my personal life. Sometimes, she would even point one of the women in the congregation and say, “This sister would be a great wife for you. What do you think?” I turned down her suggestions for different reasons, but she never gave up.

One day I jokingly said to her that she should give me one of her daughters. To my surprise, she gave me the contact details of her daughter.

We started to communicate frequently and not long after, I proposed to her. She said yes but proposed that we date for a month before making any decisions about marriage that might be serious.

After the first month, she told me she couldn’t feel the chemistry. “I think we should stop here before it escalates,” she decided. I persuaded her to extend the time by a month, particularly because we were not living together. She concurred.

At the very beginning, she helped one of the medical teams that were doing a free health screening in my church. After the event, she stayed over for four days, and in that time we got close during her visit.

After fourteen days, she came back to party her 27th birthday with me. Her phone rang all the time that morning. So I picked it up and put it on silent but then I got to see a message that said:

“Babe, I have just sent you GHS 1,000 for your birthday. Love you.”

I was really surprised. When I confronted her with it, she said that the message was from her ex-boyfriend with whom she had a five-year relationship. They even went through premarital counseling but broke up after he got another woman from their church pregnant. Her words were “He says he’s sorry. He wants me back. And the truth is I still love him.” After that, she proposed a breakup.

I was not ready to let go and begged her to think again but she was unyielding.

One month after our separation, my minister called to tell me that her child was sick which shortly after turned into the pregnancy news.

My senior pastors demanded I marry her to prevent the family from being embarrassed. Being under a great deal of pressure, we managed to arrange a wedding in four weeks.

In her seventh month of pregnancy, one night I woke up to my wife crying. I asked her what was the matter and her look was one of guilt and fear. I tried to coax her to let me in. “The same week we were together, I slept with another man. I don’t know whose baby it is. I am so sorry for keeping this from you,” were her words.

Initially, I was deeply hurt, but I chose to keep my cool and be her support throughout the pregnancy. When the baby came, I thought about doing a DNA test, but in the end, I didn't because the child had a strong likeness to me.

The delivery of the baby marked the beginning of the downfall of everything. My wife began to refuse intimacy and it would take as much as six months before she would finally allow me to hug her. In a year, we would probably be intimate only two or three times.

I brought up the matter to her father, yet he did not step in. Out of exasperation and emotional weakness, I got involved in affairs outside marriage. The guilt was overwhelming and I began to lose my spiritual power. It was so bad that I went on a sabbatical from the ministry to work on myself.

I chose to take law during my break as a way to switch my mind off and to look for a new purpose. I am now a year away from getting my LLB. Just the same, the emotional chaos and lack of concentration made my private school and clinic go down the drain.

After several failed attempts to talk with my wife about our marriage and work on it, nothing has changed. We are now living apart because of her job and my studies. More often than not, I have to implore her to come over, and even when she does, she acts as though I am a stranger.

Out of hopelessness, I once proposed, "Let's think about divorce since there is no love left between us." She simply shrugged and said in an indifferent tone, "Fine, if that's what you want, I will think about it."

As if that were not enough, I have just found out that she has been on a five-year family planning method without me knowing.

Together we have two kids. I tied the knot with her when she was out of work using to have a one-person income for the whole family. Because of my help, she managed to get a contract job, which she has been holding for a year now. However, she didn't even give me a single cedi when I had to go through a financial crisis.

Right now, I have a strong feeling of hatred against her parents. My opinion is that they have been the main cause of the lack of peace or balance in our marriage and have done nothing to change that. I have cut ties with them entirely.

My wife’s love for me isn’t obvious anymore. But still, I don't want to divorce my wife because of the kids. Our marriage has lasted four years now, but what we have does not feel like a marriage.

—Jacob

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