My Husband Picked Infidelity Instead of Our Union

Five years ago, I got married immediately after completing high school. I had been well acquainted with my husband before the wedding because we had been dating for three years. I could not imagine a blissful life without him; he was the only one I ever wanted. I gave him my whole heart and thought I was the only one who could satisfy his longing.

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The wedding day was a dream come true for me. I continued with my studies, and he always stood by me. The time we managed to be together was limited due to our very busy lifestyles, but I was not worried at all. I thought it was merely a phase and before long, my schooling would end, and everything would go back to how it used to be.

To my dismay, it turned out to be the opposite. I felt the emotional gap between us during the nights when he was there but not in his mind or heart. He never ceased giving me those reassurances that everything was alright, that nothing had changed, but still I couldn’t take that for the truth.

My constant reading of different people's experiences made me suspect that his changed behavior might be coming from his phone. I then decided to wait until I could find the perfect time to go through it.

You guys won’t really believe what I found out. My husband was cheating on me, and the most shocking part was that the woman he picked to do that with was none other than my sister’s daughter.

Luckily, the shock of this big revelation did not result in a miscarriage during my pregnancy. And to my surprise, he was completely indifferent when I confronted him about it. Judging by the things going on he must have been dating her long before we tied the knot. I asked him the reason he didn’t marry my niece if she was the one he desired, but he continued to be resistant.

He, however, maintained that he had done nothing to deserve an apology and that he was simply being with my niece and had not offended anyone. When he was confronted with the situation he just said, “If you perceive I have done an evil, then take me to wherever you want.”

As I am putting down this, we are apart but not divorced legally. He visits the kids whenever he wants or depending upon the family functions, but generally, he does not see or hear from us for days or even weeks.

The interactions we have are very few. Even when everything was going fine, the conversations in our marriage had by then deteriorated. It is recommended that couples should talk about the major turning points in their lives together, but that was not the case with us. I used to be the last one informed about his activities. For instance, he once went to a pastor's school to be a pastor without letting me know.

In the same fashion, he hardly ever speaks when he comes over. Most of the time he is glued to his phone or computer, sometimes he goes out and comes back just when he is saying he has to go. When he goes home I used to feel that I was the only one who noticed this situation until one day my oldest son asked me, “Mummy, why doesn’t daddy talk to us when he comes here? He doesn’t help us with homework either. Why?”

That is a painful question to ask. It is a question that I have been struggling with for years, and then to hear it being asked by my child was like adding salt to an already painful sore.

From time to time, I question whether or not he ever really loved me. Maybe he just decided to marry me as I was the only one around. I would not be surprised if he is already a father in a different place. The way he acts does not show he is a devoted family man at all. He gets a good salary but he does not support our household financially. He is aware that I am out of a job but he never even asks how the kids and I are coping.

The stress of this marriage has taken such a toll on me physically that I am already 25 years old and still get called “Mother”. I would say that I am very close to being a nervous wreck and a zombie. My hope for his becoming a better person so that we could get back together has been shattered, and it is very clear that he is not going to change.

Before l said ‘YES’. another man was there wanting to marry me. He wanted to furnish my start-up company, build a house, and then marry me. He had great plans for my life and helping my family financially. But I rejected him-all because I was in love with my future husband. I chose love, but just look at how I am being treated.

I smell a rat. The same man who vowed in front of God and the congregation that he would love me now acts as if he does not know me. He is a pastor, but still has never taken care of his family. How can he proclaim unity and love in other people’s weddings while he is fighting the same battle in his own home with his wife?

I have resolved that I will not be around for him anymore. There is a guy who used to be my suitor but I never took him seriously because he was older than me. Of late, he got my number through my elder brother and rang me up. He said that he still wants to be in my life and that he has the capacity to take care of a woman and help her grow.

The proposal he made is very attractive, and it is very much what i need to hear right now. I am about ready to take a big step to assert myself and build a brighter future for my kids. But at the same time, I am afraid that I would be wrong to do this. I have a son whom I had with a different partner before I married and a daughter with my present husband.

One time I saw a text on my husband’s phone in which he said to another woman that he was not married but was looking for someone. If I were to take this into account, would it make me a bad person to continue living as if I were single, despite not being divorced yet?

—Dela

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