My Habits That Made Him Block Me Up To Date

During my initial year at college, he came to me. "You bring back memories of a little girl from my school days. What is your name?" he inquired. I did not know him nor could I think of someone looking like him, besides I thought it proper to get into conversation. "My name is Christine," I said. He refused to accept it and remarked, "Then I must have made a mistake. The girl I went to school with wasn't named Christine." We then stopped talking.

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In the course of time, I found out that he was in the first year of college as well. I cannot say how it happened, but we soon became best friends. The friendship became so … tight, sometimes they could not tell one apart from the other. You could not have him around without me, or I would not be going to an event without holding his hand. We were two souls that could not be separated, hence the friendship was like a magnet that attracted everyone around us.

Despite being friends only, I had a crush on him by the time we graduated. After four years of being on the same page, I was sure he felt the same. I hesitated for quite a while and if he had the chance he would have spoken about his feelings.

Eventually, I didn’t hear anything from him and started thinking, “It’s not true that every close friendship with a person of the opposite sex has to turn into a romantic relationship.” The other guy I had been chatting with told me he loved me, and I accepted his offer. He was indeed a nice man, and I could perceive falling in love with him.

Hilary did not react well when I told him that my boyfriend was no longer my boyfriend. He acted like a heartbroken person claiming that I had fallen in love with him. I wanted to know why, and he said, “I love you. Have you not noticed it yet? I was quiet because I didn’t want to do anything while still seeing my girlfriend. But if you break up with your new guy—then I will break up with my girlfriend, and we’ll be together.” It was a crazy suggestion, but crazy love can do many things to people.

I made a flimsy excuse to break my relationship with my boyfriend. He also separated from his girlfriend and we started going out. It was a long-distance relationship, but it was okay. We had been friends for four years and knew each other very well, so it did not feel like a new relationship requiring care and love.

Basically, what we had was an extension of our friendship. It was pleasant, and both of us were okay with it. Yet, not much into the relationship, I had to pick up some stuff from my ex. You know how past lovers can rekindle their love. It became uncontrollable and we got intimate.

Right after it was done, I wished I hadn’t done it. I cut all connections with my ex and tried to act in my relationship as if nothing had happened. Unfortunately, my conscience was too strong and it would not let me rest. Whenever my boyfriend sent me a message, I would be overtaken by a panic wave. Every single thing about our relationship seemed like a deception.

The weight of my guilt was so heavy that it became impossible to bear. I thought that the best way to get rid of the inner pain I had caused would be to confess. I revealed everything to him - the details of the incident and the person involved. At first, he seemed to take it well; he was neither angry nor seemed to be hurt.

He replied, “Only if you are really sorry for what you have done and are no more with him, then I pardon you.” Although he promised me that he would not hold it against me, we still had problems in our communications.

I was very afraid of losing him, and therefore I tried very hard to bring back our lost relationship. Just when I felt that we were able to get through all the difficulties and even recreate what was lost, he left me. I was in love with him and wanted to have him back, that is why I did not let him just go.

I apologized again and again until he finally accepted my apology and let me in again. Losing him a second time was my worst nightmare, so when he confronted me with the cheating, I trivialized it by telling him “You are overreacting. I was just joking.” His feelings were hurt by my trite response and he cut me off on WhatsApp.

I am sorry, but my apologies have been in vain. I went to extreme measures and dropped all my male friends just to convey the depth of my repentance and that it is not going to happen again, but he still doesn't want to have anything to do with me.

I have tried very hard, Hilary. I know that my actions made you suffer and I realize that it was not only your emotions but also your mind that got hurt. My sincerest apologies! The experience has been a great teacher. I wish you would read this and give me a place in your heart forgiving me.

—Christine

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