Love Ceases to Be in Marriage

Although I have been married for two years already, my wife and I have been a couple for a timeline of five years in total. At the start of our love adventure, I was the one who was the most desperate for the company of my partner. Every single aspect of our relationship got my undivided attention morning greetings, bedtime texts, and loving check-ins. For example, I would say, "Good morning” when we opened our eyes and “Goodnight" when we turned off the lights.

FOLLOW US ON WHATSAPP CHANNEL TO GET EVERY STORY IN YOUR INBOX

“I love you" was something I made sure to say at the end of each conversation or text, no matter if I was busy or there were other people around I cared little about their being. I’m the man, I know, but the truth is that I really did these things because of love’s power over the brain.

Most of the time, whenever I said, "I love you," my wife would reply, "me too" or "same here." It was like her replies were only destined to the moments that suited her. Sometimes she would even say something like, “I’m with my mum” or “I’m with my siblings,” as if that was a reason not to respond at all. However, it was of no consequence to me who was present; if I had any feelings at all I would let them out. I would not wait for the right moment.

Not too long ago, I confronted her with the question of why she was always so far away. She answered me by saying, "I don’t just throw those words around. When I say 'I love you,' it's coming from the heart. It loses its meaning if I say it too often." I retorted, "What if the day that you finally decide to say it is the day that I am not in the mood? Should I just ignore you too?" She said, "It doesn’t matter. The point is, I meant it when I said it."

It was reasonable to think so; however, I was suffering inside. The gap between our emotions was quite large. I still remember our conversation when I said to her, "Your small acts of love increase my love for you. But your small mistakes in love cause it to die slowly." I thought I was trying to get through to her that saying ‘I love you’ often is not about boredom; it is about affirmation. But she was still the same.

It was not a matter of money or fancy presents, but rather it was a matter of putting in the effort. At one point, I said to her, “Loving someone means that you are making them happy through your conscious effort.” For a considerable period, I was under the impression that all the effort was coming from my side only. I did not say “Good morning” anymore. I did not say “Goodnight” anymore. I stopped asking for the things that I used to ask for so desperately. I got tired of being the only one pulling the cart in the relationship.

I know that we all have our different backgrounds, still I opine that if love is really there, then one would learn and grow along with the partner.

Once, we had a very emotional discussion and I told her, “Although I know you love me, the truth is that I don’t feel love coming my way.” But still nothing happened as a result. She liked cuddling and cracking jokes during our times together, but that did not suffice to fill the emptiness that I felt in my heart.

Next came the matter of intimacy. I am a very sexual person, while she is not; in fact, she might go a whole year without sex if she is not in the mood at that time. That is why I started to take care of things myself; sometimes in the bathroom, sometimes right there in front of her. But she was not even a bit flexible. There were moments when I had to plead for what I ultimately began to call “merciful sex.”

I had thought that tying the knot would turn the tides, but I was wrong. She did not seem to be willing to compromise either emotionally or physically. Instead of whining about it, I turned towards the self-love route. Even today, I pampered myself before heading to work.

She eventually became aware of my discontentment with her icy behavior. She wanted me to be around more. Sometimes, she would ask me to take my work home just so we could be together. But by that time, I had already started getting used to her being distant. I changed my focus; I became more of a provider and a father rather than a lover.

I've got no fixed salary, so I hard work. Graphic design, digital marketing, construction and project management are my work areas. I’m also taking classes. She is a hairdresser and an artist with makeup. Her business is still climbing but she still supports me during the times when work is low, especially while she can. She covers the water and electricity bills and I take care of everything else and our son's needs.

But now she’s started to nag me. “You don’t give me the attention I deserve anymore.” I replied, “When you make me feel like a king, I will make you feel like a queen.”

For by that time, she had “broken the chain.” She used to take my bread with her hands like Jesus used to do at the Last Supper, even though there was a bread knife in the kitchen. Sometimes, she would put the bread on top of my tea cup like a lid. I said, “Would it be nice if you made my breakfast before I left for work? Maybe even pack my lunch? Can’t you greet me in the morning or hug me when I come back? Our son does that. Doesn't that show love? Shouldn't your partner feel wanted?”

I remember very well the time when I craved for her. I wanted her so much to caress me. I could not imagine any other way to show her that I was so significant to her. It was such an intense craving for her that even my heart cried out in pain. She wasn't there for me that way, anyway. She was either too busy or tired or simply unaware of what I needed. So I stopped requesting it from her. I just gave up. Now, look, she is the one that wants me all the time.

Now she is the one hunting me down while I am just accepting it. But the truth is, it may be too late. One day I told her very clearly, “At this moment, I am in this marriage because of the obligation, not the love. We play, we kiss, you call for sex and I say 'I love you' only when I sincerely feel it. That's it.”

A bit, but not fundamentally, shifted after that talk. I could notice her trying perhaps she finally got it. She might have realized what she had lost. However, it is of no significance as I am no longer the same person. Even if she becomes the perfect woman for me, the one I wanted back then, I don’t think I can go back to loving her like I used to. A certain part of me has just shut down, and I don’t believe it will come back to life.

I’ve accepted whatever is going to happen next. If she wants to go, I will not prevent her. I probably won’t marry again. Maybe I’ll have baby mamas and share parenting. But the notion of a lifelong commitment is something that I am not sure I can accept again.

Therefore, when I come across stories like the one that prompted me to write this, I do not pass a negative judgment. Perhaps that man has suffered years of emotional neglect. He might have hit his limit long before she did. It could be that when he was in need of love, it was not there. And now when she is ready for it, he is no longer willing to offer it.

Love is not only about remaining; it is also about being there in the little daily acts.

—Foli

This story was shared with us by someone like you. If you have a story too, send it via email: editorial@etechx.co.ke.

Thanks for reading! If you have enjoyed this post, hit the share button and help others read it. You can also visit our Facebook page and stay updated when we publish new posts.