I Was in Love with a Husband and Suffered the Deal

I was just twenty-three and a fresh graduate when I met James. I was one of those girls who were all over Accra, carrying brown envelopes and looking for internships. Stressed, penniless, and directionless these were my feelings. But James came like a blessing into my life. He was older, mature, expressive, working, and fantastically compassionate a real knight. He secured me an internship at a well-known company, and after that, he even assisted me in getting a permanent position. He would call, check if everything was alright with me, energize me, give me guidance, and also warn me about picking the wrong guys.

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It seemed like I had discovered the elder brother I never had, but slowly, our communication took a different turn. He started to talk about his marriage in what way his wife didn’t relate well with him, in what way she kept on bothering him, and in what way she had become different from the woman he once loved. He never referred to her directly as evil, but I could tell that’s how he viewed her judging by his accounts. One night I was lying on my bed, after a long talk with him, and thought to myself, “How can such a nice guy like James be treated like that?”

Looking back I could have simply distanced myself. But I was young and too much and too easily empathizing, and with no wisdom, empathy might turn into a disaster. I wish I could say I chased after a married man, which I swore I would never do, but it was not like that. It started with pity an emotional state that is very hard to cope with as it makes you feel like you are the one who has to help the suffering person, and this is exactly how I felt about James.

My heart paid the price every time he disclosed something hurtful about his wife. I felt like a bird yearning to be with him when he confessed that he was alone. His calling me his “safe space” made me feel like a hero, as though I could be what his wife was not. Before I realized it, I was already eagerly expecting his calls more than I should. I was greeting his messages with a smile like a lovesick girl, waiting for him to say something that would make me feel chosen.

I did not push him away when he kissed me. I let it flow. Then it was again, and again, until we became intimate. It was no longer an accident; it had evolved into an affair. After the act, James said, "Do you know that I have always loved you? You are everything I have ever wanted in a woman."

When I professed my love for him, too, I thought we were starting the greatest love story of all time. I felt like I was giving him what his wife had not: love, peace, support, and affection. I started thinking I was the "better woman."

One day he told me that he had separated from his wife and moved out for a while. He looked sad, emotionally exhausted, and vulnerable. I was always there, cooking and cleaning for him. I almost played the wife role because I thought I was auditioning for the part of the wife. I truly believed that when it came to choosing, he would pick me over his wife. However, the reality is that any guy who places you as a backup option will never make you his priority.

He did not reason, but it was something I was aware of all the time. The moment I rang him up and he talked about how his in-laws wanted to see him or that their pastor had invited them, I had the feeling of coming reviving. I had that feeling deep inside that he would go back to his wife. Thus, when he informed me, “They don’t want us to divorce. They say we should give it another try,” I was not taken aback. I inquired if that was his own want or he was feeling the pressure, and he answered, “I don’t want them to think I’m being disrespectful, so I’ll do what they say and see what turns up.”

My world swung around. All at once, James was prepared to have another go with a woman he had merely a few months ago called a devil. I was devastated but still did not want to leave. The reason is that even though he went back to his wife, he did not cut me off. On the contrary, he still rang me, came to see me, and kept on saying that I was very important to him and thus I kept on.

At present, his wife is expecting a baby. Yes, expecting. This will be the second of their kids. The moment I get a glimpse of his status updates, I discover the new aspect of him. Judging by the quotes he shares and the pictures he posts, he is indeed a cheerful man. Their relationship appears to be thriving, while I am the one crying for a man who every night goes home to kiss his wife who is pregnant. The jealousy is taking over me. The bitterness is hard to bear. The truth is degrading. I am constantly querying myself: “What on earth was I thinking back then when I accepted to go out with a married man three years ago? Did I not have any self-respect? Did I not understand that my happiness could not be built on the tears of another?"

The most humiliating thing is that even after all the bad experiences, I still stick around because I assure myself that I still have feelings for him. He still gives me attention and behaves as if he could not get along without me, therefore, I hang on, waiting for some little bits of love. I am aware that I can have a better life, but my feelings keep on deceiving me. I will never in my next life fall for a married man. Not! It makes you feel bitter, envious, unconfident, and broken-hearted. You are always an option, never the one who matters most. You are the interruption, not the main act. If I had the chance to talk to my younger self, that twenty-three-year-old who got me entangled in this mess, I would say: "Freda, put yourself first. No married man will ever love you enough to leave his comfort zone."

At this moment, I am trying to gather my strength to leave. I want to make the choice of myself this time, even if it hurts.

—Freda

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