I Like Him But He Does Not Apologize

During my conversation with my partner, two pieces of advice struck a chord with me. The first one asked him to give his account of what pampering is and then ebbed the subject. That was something I had already tried but it never resulted in any good communication. But, I still contacted him again and asked him for his definition of pampering.

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He replied, "When I want something, you don’t say what is good for me."

I always thought in my head that I was the one who took care of his needs all the time. I pushed him for details. "Could you name a single thing you have asked in which I have failed?" Instead of answering, he indicated I should consider our past and believe him. Last; when I demanded an exact instance, he remarked, "You are not a kid needing everything spelled out."

His remark transferred me to the second advice I had received, namely that some people saw my sacrifices for him as useless since I did not talk his love language. "You can’t do otherwise than to learn his love language and then please him," they instructed.

This idea somewhat threw me off balance because it required an online course that I had to buy. I had heard about it before, but since it was so widely accepted, it was worth giving it a try again.

The course took me two days to finish, and I applied both pieces of advice right away. Every time I did something different, I would put the question, "Do you like it? Should I do it more often?" to him. He would chuckle and wave the questions away. To love a man should be simple, but he was making it to be a thrilling journey through a maze with a confusing map to find the treasure.

At last, I stopped complicating the matter and began to behave like a woman whose only aim is to keep her man satisfied. Then, one day perhaps out of irritation, he finally vocalized what he felt that I wasn’t supplying. At the beginning, I reserved for myself a few incidents which I thought were minor mistakes that did not deserve to be mentioned. There were some intimate encounters that went bad, leaving me hurt and crying.

He stopped immediately and said, "It’s my fault. I’m sorry that I let my feelings get the better of me. Are you alright? Please forgive me." He offered me an iced water which although it didn’t lessen my pain, was a comfort. Sadly, these incidents became more common and my intimacy with him turned to disgust. He stopped requesting forgiveness and was adamant that he was not to blame.

During those times, I had to continuously remind him to watch out. What I thought were mishaps were really very delicate indications that we had to fix the problems together. It was only when he eventually expressed it that I got it. “This is why I keep saying you don’t know how to satisfy a man. Let’s not spoil each other! It will not cause you any harm.

Shortly, you will discover that it is fun.” I was overwhelmed and powerless feeling as he had again inflicted pain on me, and it was like a vice clamping around my chest and heart. I found it hard to express, “What do you mean? Are you talking about this treatment? Please, give me a rest!” I shoved him away, slipped off the bed, and went into the living room. While I was trying to digest the whole situation, I poured a glass of ice-cold water for myself.

The whole night went by with us being apart, but we talked it over in the morning. He appeared to be in a lot of pain and was reluctant to talk, however, I was resolute to settle the problem for good. I stated that the conduct could not be repeated anymore. I reasoned that everything has its limits, and he had already gone beyond mine. He was mostly silent, so I very softly made my complaints one by one.

He just said, “Okay then.” The “Okay” was not very comforting, but I took it as it was. After that discussion, he started to show less and less interest in intimacy. I was observant and I slowly started to take the initiative myself. There were nights when he was completely into it, while there were others when he was just a reluctant participant. I did not care as long as we were together. It was our new habit; he never started, and I did all the loving and put in all the effort.

It is really difficult to reflect upon the past and understand how amazing everything was, especially when juxtaposed with the present situation that is so dark and desolate. We do not fight, and we have still got communication and laughter between us, and we often hang out together. I am still the same wife, and he is still my partner, but there is one big difference: he has given up his dominant position.

When we are intimate, there is no longer the same attraction, but I would rather have it this way than letting his charm influence me. I am sure he will eventually get used to it; it is just a matter of time.

- Juliet

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