God's Favorite Man Is My Lover

My first encounter with Emmanuel was prior to his seminary admission and during his search for God's will for him. Falling in love with him was not only a personal but also a heavenly sharing. Moreover, I had no clue that the sensation of love would be like standing on the threshold of a person's life without any invitation to get in completely.

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To be honest, Emmanuel loves me and it is obvious to all. When he comes back from the seminary, no distance exists between us, not even a breath. Everything that lovers do is done by us secretly: we talk; we laugh; we dream; we touch; we lose track of time. Even my parents have heard about and accepted him in their own discreet manner.

The point is, he is not only mine but also given away to God. He often says to me, “Shirley, you know that I love you. However, I cannot quit the priestly ministry.” But he would not relinquish me either. He does not wish to forsake me but would rather not make me his only choice. Thus, I find myself trapped in the midst, hanging on to a man who clings to God with greater intensity than he does with me.

Sometimes, I suppress my cries during the night and this is due to my fear of losing him, but at the same time, I am also unsure if there is any way to keep him. He provides me with everything apart from a future. He gives his warmth, attention, and love but no certainty. He keeps saying, “I will always be here for you.” But he does not realize that “always” is not a promise he can keep if he chooses priesthood.

My friends are encouraging me to end this ironic love story by leaving him. They argue that loving a seminarian is like loving a man who has already embraced a heavenly future. Anyway, Emmanuel is my one and only love. I do not know any other way to love but through him. It seems like the end of our love story is and absolute partition between my legless life of love and the rest of the world. Sometimes I trick myself into believing that one day he will come to the conclusion that I am worth choosing, that he will just open his eyes and see things differently. At other times I think of myself as a fool, just like a girl who writes letters to a future that has already rejected her.

I am in a dilemma. I only wish he would say it is over between us and cease to be the one I still love. Perhaps that would be the end of our saga and the start of my healing process. It is, however, non-existent, so I hold on to this stubborn, fragile, and beautiful hope that love will conquer all one day. That I will not be the girl who loved deeply but lost quietly.

Is there any possible way to eliminate all doubts between us? So I can be sure whether it is going to work or not and organize my life around what can work instead of a fantasy.

—Shirley

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