From Moonlit Love to Fat Shame

Years ago, I found myself in the company of a man who took a look at me and remarked, “The problem is that you’re too big. I’m not afraid to date you, but you have to lose some weight first. Look at your friends; don’t you see how they are keeping in shape?”

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He opted for a dating pattern of women with the body shape that he liked. As a result, I was alone in my room staring out the window. I could see happy people in nice dresses with their lovers, laughing, and celebrating. They were with the ones who valued them for their true selves. I felt unworthy of that since the man who had been with me for three years thought that I was too big for love.

On the internet, the good-looking people were posting their pictures from the beautiful places they went to, and I was still sitting alone, looking in the mirror and asking, “Why did God make me like this? Why did He make me so big when He knew the man I would be with wouldn’t like big girls?”

The moon was visible from my room, and it was also visible to me. I felt that I could not be in a spot where its light could fall on me bringing a smile to my face. I was living in a life that I hated.

Cats and rats could be running along over me. Years later, I found myself in another man's bed. I no longer needed mirrors because I had him. I perceived myself through his eyes, through his words, and through the kiddos we had. He is my husband, and the two of us are blessed with two children. My husband declared to me that he loved me when I was actually thicker than I had been with that previous guy. I was married when I had more curves and probably a bit of loose skin. Then he said after the wedding, “Let us run every morning! That is how we will be healthy.”

He presented me with a pair of running shoes; and even today, I still do my morning run solo, while he is still asleep. I am running with him; and we have coming across women of different shapes and sizes and we even gossip about them sometimes, especially those little ones; “Hey, what are they trying to lose, their bones?” 

What transformed was not my size but rather the enormous love I discovered in a man. He opened the world to me, and I saw the moon; it was in the same place as me, only I was not aware of it all the time. I was no longer a hidden, little embarrassment; instead, I was a treasure to be cherished. My heart was filled up. I was home. 

So when my girl came home from school and told me that her classmates were making fun of her because of her body size, I said to her, “Your classmates have small hearts, so they can't see the big love that you are.” I really hope that she will be able to see this as she grows up; that the love which you do not deserve can make you feel totally small and insignificant. But when the right person comes to you, he will make you shine like the moon even in the daytime.

-- Mwende 

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