Caught In The Middle Of Love And Letting Go

I'm a 34-year-old single parent raising a 7-year-old boy who has never known his father, so there are no "daddy dramas" to complicate my relationships. Due to this, I am very choosy about who I allow to come into my life. My time is very short, therefore, I tend to avoid any kind of trouble. Apart from being a mom, I am working very hard to earn a living.

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Evans knew about my situation when we became friends. He often praised my diligence. One day, he told me, "A lady who works as hard as you is just the person I need beside me as we deal with life. That is the reason why I have come to like you. Would you mind going out with me so we can make something beautiful together?"

At that point, I was also in search of a partner. I had started to feel something for him, so I said, "Yes, let us schedule a date for a special event."

The relationship lasted for six months but he never got to invite me over to his place. Each time I inquired about his residence, he would assure me that we would go there shortly.

Our encounters would always occur at my house. He would not even leave any money after his visits, but I would always cook for him anyway. The only time he gave me money was when I was stuck in the city and asked him for Ksh 100.

For his birthday, I surprised him with a cake, some drinks, and arranged a ride for him from his office. Not long after that, a fight broke out, and I called it quits on the relationship. After I got over it, I contacted his friend to let me back in touch with him.

Evans was angry that I dragged another person into our problems. He cut me off on WhatsApp and delivered an audio message through my friend that went, "You are not the only attractive woman in the world. I come across girls who are better looking than you every day." He also said he did not want anything for his birthday.

Those words hurt a lot. In the end, I was his partner. He had been with me in my most exposed moments, so why compare me with other women? Didn't he realize the beauty of those women before he decided to be with me?

Though I was in pain, I also realized that I had wronged him by involving an outsider in our affair. I attempted to see the situation from a different angle.

I tried calling him from various phone numbers, but as soon as he recognized my voice, he would say that he was busy and hang up. He never replied to my messages. I just took his coldness as a consequence of my being heartbroken.

Yet, I still sent him a gift, a Hermes item, coupled with a sincere message. He sent me a text when he got it, saying, "Your gifts were not needed, but I appreciate it anyway."

If that text was painful to me, then this message totally wrecked me. I cried for so many nights with his picture next to me. I did not think that I could ever get over it until one morning when I woke up and felt as if I was born again.

I was like, "This is hard. You have to be tough and proceed." It was not a piece of cake, but I devised a strategy for myself. I put a calendar on my wall with days clearly marked. Each day that I did not contact him, I put a tick.

Step by step, I healed. I went through my life without making any contact and he never reached out to me as well.

I was happy that I could finally get on with my life… until the other day, when I got a text from him saying, "I miss you." He also asked, "What have you done to me? I can't stop thinking about you."

That text was a trigger to me. It was a reminder that I am still not over him and it also brought back the feelings of how he affected me during our relationship.

I am having mixed feelings.

The very idea of starting a new relationship is frightening to me. Hence, part of me longs to go back to him. On the other hand, a different part argues that I should not stop but instead continue moving forward.

Can I just let it all go and be with him again? Or is it better for me to continue with my life?

I am aware of the saying, "Once it's over, it really is over," yet I seriously require such a thing as clarity. The relationship is no longer there, I am just trying to find out what the next step is. I am not an evil person, yet it feels like I am constantly caught in the middle of nowhere.

- Lemmy

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