Betrayed by My Husband's Secret Lives

I am an American citizen who has been in a long-term marriage to an immigrant. He comes from Kenya. We had a wonderful wedding in Texas, my home state, and were surrounded by family and friends with his uncle officiating the wedding. With both our families' blessings, I felt sure we would have a peaceful union.

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Initially, the two of us together were almost like a fairy tale scene. I had fallen for him so much and felt that I was the luckiest person alive to have such a loving partner as we were raising our four beautiful kids together. True happiness was ours during that period. "Ignorance is bliss" is a well-known saying and implies that not knowing about something unpleasant makes it easier to cope.

I think I would still be very happy if he had not completely changed his personality. It was as if someone turned off a switch; one moment he was affectionate and tender, the next he was just cool and unfriendly. His treatment of me soured to the point where I could even guess that he was doing it on purpose.

I had to ask questions because I really wanted to know his reasons for the change. For the first time in our marriage, I was driven to check his phone. It was a shock to me when I found out that it was protected by a multitude of passwords, almost like it was a highly confidential file.

The focus of my inquiries turned from "What has changed?" to "What is my husband concealing?"

His behavior became more and more mysterious, and he even slept with his phone under his pillow. An IT professional, he soon started to lock all his devices. If he had to take a call near me, he would talk in a whisper in a different language.

I asked him so many questions that he must have felt overwhelmed.

"Honey, what is happening?"

"Did something lately happen?"

"Are we alright? You have been so distant recently."

He always maintained "Nothing is going on. All is well."

I couldn't penetrate even when I tried to confront him. I realized that I would not get any answers from him, so I silently started my own probe.

I discreetly taped some of his talks in his car. The day I put them into English was the day I found out I didn't actually know the man I had called my husband for so many years. The truth broke me.

While I was busy redecorating our lives and making up menus, my husband was scheming to go back to Nigeria and quit our house in the U.S.

If everything had gone his way, he would be a Nigerian woman's husband right now, sending me money for the children's support while ignoring our marriage. That was just the first part.

Additionally, I discovered that he had more wives in Nigeria whom he married through customary rites. Moreover, can you believe he has been fathering kids with these women? I am totally clueless about the ways he went to keep this fact from me. How on earth does a man hide his wives and children for such a long time; twelve years? It made me feel like I was living with a stranger.

He was surprised, to say the least, when I brought it to his knowledge.

"Who told you such untruths?"

He is not a very convincing liar, but he failed to keep his story straight while denying it all. Even now, he tells the kids that everything I exposed is pure fiction. No responsibility.

In actuality, he got furious when I posed the question, "Why are you chasing after another woman and making her marriage promises when you are already married to me?"

He replied that I had no right to pry into his matters. "There is no trust or respect in this family. If this is how you want to behave, then go ahead and file for divorce. If you don't, I will," he threatened.

To be honest, his reaction made me doubt myself. I pondered whether my knowledge was true or just a figment of my imagination. To get my sanity back, I went for counseling.

My counselor said, "Your spouse is a narcissist. They take no blame for anything. They would much rather be the ones suffering."

I got to know that he had been mentally and financially hurting me throughout our marriage. There was nothing in the union that was worth fighting for.

When his relatives came to know, they attempted to keep me quiet.

"Don't go through his mobile," they advised.

"You are not able to handle your husband. If you do, then another woman will come and take him from you," they threatened.

"Marriage is an oath between two people. You can never dissolve it unless you are completely sure of it. So just bear with him. Divorce is not something we believe in our family."

"Don't quarrel with him. Do you want an unwelcome husband to enter your life?"

At that instant, I said to myself, "An unwelcome husband in my life in Texas? He should give it a go!"

They recommended that I keep quiet and put up with his deceit and lies as it was the custom in their families. But for me to put up with that kind of emotional manipulation is unbearable. If I stayed, I would at some point be pushed and hurt him.

He was taken aback when I decided to cut the marital ties. When his turn came to get the papers, he did not answer the door. I was out, but I was still able to see the whole thing happen on our security camera while I was at work.

The divorce process has started, but he is not cooperating. He tried to change his identity, and in doing so, escape the area with the children. Fortunately, I got to know it just in time. The court has placed temporary restrictions on him, and he is not allowed to leave the state.

He is currently attempting to prolong the divorce process by not providing his financial records. In the meantime, I have already provided mine. His lawyer is also feeling the pressure of his behavior as it is making her reputation suffer.

The magistrate has set a deadline for him to meet within next month. However, I am not so sure that he will do it.

In spite of all the problems, he is still acting as if I were his property. His words are: "You are my wife forever. My obligation is to provide for you and the kids. I can do that without the government telling me." However, I am past caring. What I want is for the divorce to be settled so I can start afresh with my life and protect my children.

I am even scared that he might want to move the children to Nigeria permanently even before the divorce is over. That is a real fear.

Closure is the only thing I want right now. I have already sacrificed so much in this marriage only to suffer betrayal, while he selfishly developed his life and supported his other families. I do not think I should leave with nothing, considering there are four kids.

Selling our house is what I prefer in order to buy a smaller one. I am ready to give up on the alimony I have a right to. I just want this to be over fast.

All this has been a hard, but great, learning experience about myself and my strength. I still don't want to do any harm to him despite my feeling of being broken and cheated. I only want to guard my kids and me from him.

-Tia

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