As Married Couple Thriving But Mother's Advice Broke It

My friend Jared is of Kikuyu descent. We had two periods of love and fun, but in the end, it was not to be. I was so shattered by the heartbreak that I swore off all men, especially those of dark, beautiful, and strong Kikuyu.

I was constantly doubted and ridiculed by my friends and family during the whole time I was with Jared. They told me flat out that Kikuyu men were the worst when it came to the treatment of women. I brushed aside their warnings thinking that no one else could possibly know Jared as well as I did. Sadly, I found myself having to deal with the very same stereotypes they had warned me about.

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Then came Julius into my life. Initially, I rejected him because he was also Kikuyu, but his determination was really something. He kept on chasing me even though I kept on rejecting him. Each time we met, I was getting to know him better and better, even going on to meet his friends and family who invariably had nice things to say about him. Somewhere along the line, I fell for him and accepted his engagement.

We were both aware of the baggage from our previous relationships and decided to keep our love affair under wraps until we were ready to introduce it to our families.

I am Kisii, and Julius told me that his father is also Kisii, but he does not associate strongly with that heritage due to his background. I once inquired if his mother would welcome me as a Kisii, and he told me, "Some I think, my mother will surely like you too."

Not long after, I had a problem with finding a place to live. He was very nice to me during the search by asking me to move in with him for a little while, and I gladly agreed.

One day, when we were together, he got a phone call from his mother. After their talk, he looked at me and said, “She wants me to come home. There’s something serious she wants to discuss.” He signaled that he was going to see her shortly.

When he got back, the warmth and affection that he normally showed were gone and he was left distant and reserved instead. I didn’t understand the reason for this rapid change, and he started to act towards me like I was a burden.

I was worried and asked him, “Do you still love me?”

His answer was “What if I say yes and that’s not true?”

That reply hit me hard. I started to think whether he was already getting bored with our relationship now that we were living together. I then decided to tell him that I would move out in a month. This really upset him a lot.

He told me that he was hurt because of my plan to leave since it was not him who asked me to go. Even after I said sorry, he still didn’t seem to have completely forgiven me.

While I was confused about our relationship, a friend of mine helped me to talk to him about it. During the conversation, which I listened to through the phone speaker, Julius opened up to my friend that he has a hard time to forgive people when they say nasty things and feels that the truth comes out in those situations.

I later on told him about this. I also gave him my reasons why I wanted to move out of the place. That night, we agreed on the points that divided us and everything seemed to be back to normal but he was no longer sharing plans for the future with me.

One day, I asked him directly if he still loved me. He answered, “Haven’t I already told you?” I replied, “I’m not sure if you do,” and that’s when he brought up that his mother wanted to talk to me.

I interpreted this as a good sign that he was starting to open up to his mother about our relationship even though we had agreed to take it slow.

Then one night, the mother of Julius called. Julius handed me the phone so she could talk to me. She inquired about my family, and when I said that I was Kisii, she said, "I am sorry, but you cannot be with my son. He is Kisii by upbringing, and his actions toward me have caused me to feel hatred for all Kisii. I have told my children never to marry a Kisii."

After the conversation, I went to Julius and asked him why he allowed me to love him when his mother was not going to approve.

To which he answered, "You would not have liked me if you knew the reality. Besides, I was optimistic that she would overturn her decision. She has never turned down any partner I have introduced her to."

He went on to say that he thought it was time to tell her about the relationship because we were living together. “Anything could happen, so it was crucial she knew. She is both my mother and my spiritual guide.”

While I could see the logic behind his argument, I was now facing the problem of her disapproval. What do I do? Is it right to try and impress her with my charm? He still assures me that he will be the one branching out to her on my behalf until she is ready to accept me. However, I find it really hard to talk about her with him.

Now I have learned the reasons why he acted differently and why he was silent about our future. In fact, he was listening to his mother, unsure how to tell me without causing pain. Do you think there is hope for us?

~ MaryAnn

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